After R, Zach wanted to take a break but I’m the one who gets the calls. 😬 it’s crazy because I was DRAINED from that case but I got refreshed and ready pretty fast. About a week after R was no longer in our care, we got a call. December 12, 2019, Our foster agency called with a potential placement. DHS had been working with a family for several months and they were talking about taking the kids if they could find a placement. They told me that it may or may not happen and that they thought the parent just needed a kick in the butt and would get them back quickly. Even knowing that they’d be with us temporarily, I said yes. Zach was working in the mountain all day and had no cell reception. The kids were all at school. I had to sit around and wait to see if I was getting 2 kids or not. She called me back maybe 5 minutes later and said we were getting them. Eek! Ok! What the heck did i get myself into?! I called my parents and they came to help me get the house ready. We were going to have a 20 month old boy (C) and 7 month old boy (N) by the end of the day. They lived about 3 1/2 hours away so it took a second for them to get ready. They told me bio was packing their stuff and I bawled. Straight up bawled for this person. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to pack up your babies to go to a stranger. I was ready. Scared, but ready. We knew the baby was born with drugs in his system but not much info besides that. My parents left and I waited. So much on my mind and questioning how Zach was going to respond. We were supposed to be taking a break! He knows that I won’t say no to anyone. However, we did say that we wanted 3-18 year olds and this was way younger then what we wanted.
I remember the case supervisor pulling up to my house. I had no clue what to do. I’m excited to get these babies but I also know this has to be the most traumatic day of their lives. Having the sensitivity to what they’re going through and the excitement of helping kids is a rough mix. It’s exciting to get that call but it also crushes your heart. Anyway, I met her outside and immediately pulled N’s car seat out. All I could think about was getting him out of his car seat and making sure he knew he was loved. I don’t think I stopped holding him the rest of the night or unless Zach was holding him. C came into the house and had to be the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. He did not want to be touched or held, but snuggled up with a blanket on the couch. Love at first sight. I just wanted them to know they were loved and safe. I think the kids got home before Zach. Every one of my biological kids fell in love with them the second they met. N and c absolutely adored the kids too. Everything fell into place. Zach finally called me and I got to explain everything about 20 minutes before he got home and met them. It was a crazy situation but it felt meant to be.
They came with two giant trash bags of stuff. They had 1 car seat, a gazillion adult size blankets, a few outfits with tags on and not the correct sizes, some bottles, an open bottle of milk, chocolate syrup, a container of random medicine, several diaper bags, a few diapers, a few jars of baby food, and I think an open package of formula. It looked like a lot but it was almost all just blankets and we had to buy soooo much when we got them. On top of grabbing a crib, car seat for C, and getting all the necessities and figuring out what brand pacifier/bottles and size of clothes. C came in shoes that were several sizes too small and they bowed he feet in. You don’t realize how much out of pocket it costs when you get new kids but I love shopping so I’m not complaining 😝
We found out that N (c’s head had been shaved before they could do one on him) had a positive hair follicle test that day and dealt with huge withdrawals from both boys. Especially with N. He would shake and scream inconsolably. He didn’t sleep through the night until almost 2 years old. He still has problems sleeping and has a very “go/go/go” mentality. C had just had surgery to put veneers on several of his teeth and that was fun to deal with for a 20 month old.
Visits started immediately and were 3x a week. I went into it thinking of us as a team. I wanted to be the bio’s biggest cheerleader. Probably one of the hardest positions I’ve ever been in. Especially when you have to separate what you feel is right and what’s best for the kids. It’s also hard to cheer on someone who hurt kids that you’ve fallen in love with. We didn’t meet the first visit but they asked to meet me the next one and I said of course. My heart broke for this person. I couldn’t imagine being separated from my babies and my heart sincerely went out to them. I would let them put the kids in my car and would even hug them when the bio would cry after saying goodbye. I stayed as positive as possible for the kids and would always try to make visits as easy as possible. I’d pack what their bio would ask for, I’d give way more snacks than they’d need, and I’d put them in outfits from bio. We went above and beyond to accommodate every request and we’d ask questions about what the kids liked or how to make them more comfortable. We even got an email to open communication. It was ok the first month or 2, but after you could tell it was getting toxic fast. It became a narcissistic relationship and very unhealthy. They’d bring food and feed the kids stuff they told us they were allergic too. They’d do stuff purposely to cause diaper rashes and would request us to take them to the doctor/ER for everything. We always complied and did whatever we could. We switched creams/diapers/wipes sooo many times and got onto a good schedule until visits would throw everything off. We had to take C to the dr because bio swore he had cancer (umbilical hernia that was diagnosed the second we got him and the dr saw a gazillion times and said it was fine). They did X-rays and all sorts of stuff just to prove it was nothing. Bio didn’t believe it and would still complain. We had to take one of them to urgent care once for a rash that did not exist. So many allegations and problems. It became apparent that things were being seen that weren’t there and it was kind of scary. Bio would say they were crying when I’d pick them up and they’d be laughing. They’d always run to us the second we’d get them from visits. Visits were never consistent and it went to virtual when covid hit. Those were fun. Two toddlers who wanted nothing to do with talking on FaceTime but bio wouldn’t show up half the time anyway. When visits started again it was at a church. One of the visits the bio threatened the supervisor and I had to get the kids out of there. That actually happened a lot. It wasn’t safe and it was 1 supervisor for 2 bios and 3 kids when E started visits too. There was a list of rules bio had to follow and bio wasn’t allowed to feed the kids (because of feeding them an abundance of sugar and stuff bio told us they were allergic to). It was crazy and it killed me every time dropping them off. I continued to stay positive and I even told my bio kids to be respectful if they came to drop offs.
Visits were bad. They weren’t safe and it was documented but the lawyer said to start overnight visits. We had to drop off the kids with no supervision to a person who was very unstable. Zach did drop offs and pick ups. I about lost my mind and it was the first time I really felt unheard. It also made me question if they really weren’t safe or if I was just being selfish and didn’t want them to go home. I was told “they wouldn’t do overnights if they weren’t safe” and so I tried to get over myself. My stomach was in knots and I cried almost every day. The kids would come home and crash almost immediately no matter the time. It seemed like we’d have to get them through withdrawals again, but I kept trying to think about how they said it’s safe so what can you do. I tried to detach myself from them and prepare for them to go home. That killed me. I was told that E came into our life to soften the blow of losing C and N. Me and N were CLOSE and it was so hard. I had Zach do more with them and really tried to separate myself from the situation. In my head, it would make it easier for them to go “home”. The week of Christmas overnight visits were terminated immediately in an emergency hearing and we switched counties to Denver. We were issued a new lawyer and a new case worker. They’re the ones who saw what was going on and cancelled visits. From there we went back to supervised visits twice a week. Most were missed. We also had to take them to do a parent/child interaction session in Denver. It was 2 sessions and it was crazy. The first one ended early and they did not go well. They proved there were problems and nothing was being done by bio to fix them. They had termination court and they decided it wasn’t healthy and rights were terminated. We did the goodbye visit and they were given balloons and covered in lotion when we got them back. It was almost like every other visit and bio didn’t believe that was the last time seeing them. The termination was appealed on the last day you could do it and that went on for a year and a half. The appeal was denied several months later, they’re finally officially ours.
One big thing that I’ve learned from my surgery and the boys is how much so many things revolve around food. Visits were almost completely surrounded by food and they’d be fed the entire 2 hours straight. They’d come home with rashes and be sick for weeks and sometimes without a break if visits we’re continuous. We had to try several formulas and different jar baby foods for N and we’ve gone through so many rash creams/diaper/wipe brands. I know exactly what works for them and what will set them off. When you have kids with sensitivities or allergies (or like me and I can’t eat over 10 grams of sugar in a setting), food is a huge struggle. We’ve had to monitor everything that goes into their bodies from the second they came into our house so we could/can pinpoint the problem if/when they’d get sick. They have reactions to a lot and are normally on a very bland diet. They can’t have citrus foods either. Especially strawberries. One of them has also displayed signs of pica and will eat anything and everything. He’s pulled stuff out of the trash at school and we have to watch him like a hawk. We have to limit sugar which makes birthdays and parties at school a blast (like 2 weeks of being sick from a piece of candy). Rewards are based around food a lot and you don’t realize how much. Potty training - skittles or m&ms. Missed visits - go get ice cream. Rewards for school - candy/treats. Movie theater - candy/popcorn. If you’re good “insert situation” - you can get a treat. It really makes you put more effort into everything and think more about different situations that would normally be easy.
1, 150 days may not seem like a lot to some, but those were some of the hardest days I’ve ever been through. We dealt with allegation after allegation, were told it was our fault the kids were taken/all blame was on us, tried to befriend someone and it didn’t go the way we hoped, the boys almost went home and we knew we’d never see them again, soo many doctor and dentist appointments, lots of visits both in person and virtual, behavior after behavior, redoing their room 3-4 times because of behaviors, lots of withdrawal symptoms and scary things to watch young babies go through, figuring out and adjusting to allergies/sensitivities, lots of therapy appointments and fighting for therapy, our doctors/caseworkers/lawyers being threatened of being sued by bio, their names being spelled differently almost every visit by bio (hence why we changed names a little bit. They deserve a name that had thought put into it), going through 2 different case workers and 2 different lawyers (and a lawyer’s assistant who we loved!), going through 3 home supervisors, attacking emails from bio, sooo many courts and state reviews, and everything was always completely out of our hands. We witnessed first steps, first birthday for one, first words, not wanting to be touched to almost always in someone’s face, and then growing from delicate little babies to healthy and extremely active little people. We’ve watched C’s speech bloom and continue to expand. They’ve come so far and are amazing little boys who I’m honored to raise.
This has and will always be a family affair. Our bio kids have witnessed more then normal and I feel like it’s made them better. They know about addiction. They know about kids who’ve been abused. They also know to always be respectful. They will never hear us bad mouth a kid’s bio family and we don’t allow them to bad mouth them either. Even when it’s hard not to be upset that they’re hurting the ones we love. They’ve helped foster siblings through big issues and have given up so much to help others. They’ve said goodbye to foster siblings they’ve grown close to and they have gone to school and come home to new kids. They’ve helped with respite for a few days to 10 days and loved on kids who went back to a different foster home. They’ve called them all their siblings. We go over with every kid who comes into our house what they want to call the kids and us to others. We never force “mom”/“dad”, but normally it happens naturally since there is already 4 kids calling us that. Even our 15 year old called us “mom”/“dad” fast. We don’t forget anyone who has stepped foot in our house or who we’ve gotten a call about. Respite or permanent placement. The bios know about court and how stressful it is for us. They’ve helped their own friends through tough situations and they talk to us about everything. Jaidyn just helped a girl the other day who said she wasn’t comfortable with a guy following her and he told her to stay with him. My kids are seriously the best. I wasn’t sure if this would be a bad thing for our family or not. I feel like it’s made us stronger for the most part. We’ve survived a lot in our foster journey and we’ve been open with them about it all from day one. They all have different people they’re closer to. Skylar is good with everyone. Matteo is E. Ryker is N and P. Jaidyn is C. N and E are almost always attached to me too.
I think one of the biggest concerns most people have when it comes to fostering or adoption is if they’ll love them as much as if they gave birth to them. First, their kids and if you like kids, you don’t have a problem. Their not “damaged goods”. They’re hurting children who your heart breaks for immediately. They’re just kids whether they’re 1 day old or 18 and they need a family who’s safe. I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like bio or not, the love for each child is individual. They all have their unique needs, likes, wants, dislikes. They have their own love languages. You love each child differently as they are anyway. You can love you kid’s friends and you can love your friend’s kids, so why wouldn’t you love a child who comes to you in their most vulnerable state. Every time i felt like I couldn’t do something, my heart would explode with love for whoever was struggling. We’ve joked about favorites (Elyas), but each kid knows they’re loved unconditionally and can come to us with anything. There is no competition in our family and we don’t let anyone pit bios vs not bios against each other. We’re a family from the second we meet you (foster, adopted, or friend) and we’ve made it a natural part of our life.
You want everyone to win and it is a sad situation when it doesn’t go as expected. We went into this to help families. We never wanted the bio families to fail. We wanted the bio to get help and we told the bio we’d be their cheerleader while they did what they needed to do.
Our caseworker said thank you for allowing her to be a part of this journey at our last visit this month. How awesome is it that a caseworker would say that? We were honored to have her in our life and I hope she stays a part of it! She’s done so much for the boys and we love her like crazy! She tried to help the bio too and I can only imagine how hard it is when it doesn’t work. Our first caseworker for them was also E’s caseworker and she’s so excited the boys’ case is over too. She’s seen it from the beginning and kept up with it even when she wasn’t their caseworker anymore. We seriously had the best team.
I want my boys to know we tried. I want them to know so many people fought for them. I want them to know their bio loved them but didn’t know how to be a parent because of their own situations. I want them to know their bio tried in their own way. I want them to know addiction is a disease that the bio couldn’t get control of but it’s not the boys’ faults. I want them to know we tried to help the bio. I want them to know nothing is their fault and this did not happen because of them. I want them to know we’ve always been in their corner. I don’t ever want them to think we stole them from their family or hate where they came from. I don’t want them to think they can’t ask questions or that if things are healthy later, they can’t visit bio. We will continue to fight for them and will do whatever they need. I just want them to know they’re loved and that will never change.
