C and N

​After R, Zach wanted to take a break but I’m the one who gets the calls. 😬 it’s crazy because I was DRAINED from that case but I got refreshed and ready pretty fast. About a week after R was no longer in our care, we got a call. December 12, 2019, Our foster agency called with a potential placement. DHS had been working with a family for several months and they were talking about taking the kids if they could find a placement. They told me that it may or may not happen and that they thought the parent just needed a kick in the butt and would get them back quickly. Even knowing that they’d be with us temporarily, I said yes. Zach was working in the mountain all day and had no cell reception. The kids were all at school. I had to sit around and wait to see if I was getting 2 kids or not. She called me back maybe 5 minutes later and said we were getting them. Eek! Ok! What the heck did i get myself into?! I called my parents and they came to help me get the house ready. We were going to have a 20 month old boy (C) and 7 month old boy (N) by the end of the day. They lived about 3 1/2 hours away so it took a second for them to get ready. They told me bio was packing their stuff and I bawled. Straight up bawled for this person. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to pack up your babies to go to a stranger. I was ready. Scared, but ready. We knew the baby was born with drugs in his system but not much info besides that. My parents left and I waited. So much on my mind and questioning how Zach was going to respond. We were supposed to be taking a break! He knows that I won’t say no to anyone. However, we did say that we wanted 3-18 year olds and this was way younger then what we wanted. 

I remember the case supervisor pulling up to my house. I had no clue what to do. I’m excited to get these babies but I also know this has to be the most traumatic day of their lives. Having the sensitivity to what they’re going through and the excitement of helping kids is a rough mix. It’s exciting to get that call but it also crushes your heart. Anyway, I met her outside and immediately pulled N’s car seat out. All I could think about was getting him out of his car seat and making sure he knew he was loved. I don’t think I stopped holding him the rest of the night or unless Zach was holding him. C came into the house and had to be the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. He did not want to be touched or held, but snuggled up with a blanket on the couch. Love at first sight. I just wanted them to know they were loved and safe. I think the kids got home before Zach. Every one of my biological kids fell in love with them the second they met. N and c absolutely adored the kids too. Everything fell into place. Zach finally called me and I got to explain everything about 20 minutes before he got home and met them. It was a crazy situation but it felt meant to be. 

They came with two giant trash bags of stuff. They had 1 car seat, a gazillion adult size blankets, a few outfits with tags on and not the correct sizes, some bottles, an open bottle of milk, chocolate syrup, a container of random medicine, several diaper bags, a few diapers, a few jars of baby food, and I think an open package of formula. It looked like a lot but it was almost all just blankets and we had to buy soooo much when we got them. On top of grabbing a crib, car seat for C, and getting all the necessities and figuring out what brand pacifier/bottles and size of clothes. C came in shoes that were several sizes too small and they bowed he feet in. You don’t realize how much out of pocket it costs when you get new kids but I love shopping so I’m not complaining 😝 

We found out that N (c’s head had been shaved before they could do one on him) had a positive hair follicle test that day and dealt with huge withdrawals from both boys. Especially with N. He would shake and scream inconsolably. He didn’t sleep through the night until almost 2 years old. He still has problems sleeping and has a very “go/go/go” mentality. C had just had surgery to put veneers on several of his teeth and that was fun to deal with for a 20 month old. 

Visits started immediately and were 3x a week. I went into it thinking of us as a team. I wanted to be the bio’s biggest cheerleader. Probably one of the hardest positions I’ve ever been in. Especially when you have to separate what you feel is right and what’s best for the kids. It’s also hard to cheer on someone who hurt kids that you’ve fallen in love with. We didn’t meet the first visit but they asked to meet me the next one and I said of course. My heart broke for this person. I couldn’t imagine being separated from my babies and my heart sincerely went out to them. I would let them put the kids in my car and would even hug them when the bio would cry after saying goodbye. I stayed as positive as possible for the kids and would always try to make visits as easy as possible. I’d pack what their bio would ask for, I’d give way more snacks than they’d need, and I’d put them in outfits from bio. We went above and beyond to accommodate every request and we’d ask questions about what the kids liked or how to make them more comfortable. We even got an email to open communication. It was ok the first month or 2, but after you could tell it was getting toxic fast. It became a narcissistic relationship and very unhealthy. They’d bring food and feed the kids stuff they told us they were allergic too. They’d do stuff purposely to cause diaper rashes and would request us to take them to the doctor/ER for everything. We always complied and did whatever we could. We switched creams/diapers/wipes sooo many times and got onto a good schedule until visits would throw everything off. We had to take C to the dr because bio swore he had cancer (umbilical hernia that was diagnosed the second we got him and the dr saw a gazillion times and said it was fine). They did X-rays and all sorts of stuff just to prove it was nothing. Bio didn’t believe it and would still complain. We had to take one of them to urgent care once for a rash that did not exist. So many allegations and problems. It became apparent that things were being seen that weren’t there and it was kind of scary. Bio would say they were crying when I’d pick them up and they’d be laughing. They’d always run to us the second we’d get them from visits. Visits were never consistent and it went to virtual when covid hit. Those were fun. Two toddlers who wanted nothing to do with talking on FaceTime but bio wouldn’t show up half the time anyway. When visits started again it was at a church. One of the visits the bio threatened the supervisor and I had to get the kids out of there. That actually happened a lot. It wasn’t safe and it was 1 supervisor for 2 bios and 3 kids when E started visits too. There was a list of rules bio had to follow and bio wasn’t allowed to feed the kids (because of feeding them an abundance of sugar and stuff bio told us they were allergic to). It was crazy and it killed me every time dropping them off. I continued to stay positive and I even told my bio kids to be respectful if they came to drop offs. 

Visits were bad. They weren’t safe and it was documented but the lawyer said to start overnight visits. We had to drop off the kids with no supervision to a person who was very unstable. Zach did drop offs and pick ups. I about lost my mind and it was the first time I really felt unheard. It also made me question if they really weren’t safe or if I was just being selfish and didn’t want them to go home. I was told “they wouldn’t do overnights if they weren’t safe” and so I tried to get over myself. My stomach was in knots and I cried almost every day. The kids would come home and crash almost immediately no matter the time. It seemed like we’d have to get them through withdrawals again, but I kept trying to think about how they said it’s safe so what can you do. I tried to detach myself from them and prepare for them to go home. That killed me. I was told that E came into our life to soften the blow of losing C and N. Me and N were CLOSE and it was so hard. I had Zach do more with them and really tried to separate myself from the situation. In my head, it would make it easier for them to go “home”. The week of Christmas overnight visits were terminated immediately in an emergency hearing and we switched counties to Denver. We were issued a new lawyer and a new case worker. They’re the ones who saw what was going on and cancelled visits. From there we went back to supervised visits twice a week. Most were missed. We also had to take them to do a parent/child interaction session in Denver. It was 2 sessions and it was crazy. The first one ended early and they did not go well. They proved there were problems and nothing was being done by bio to fix them. They had termination court and they decided it wasn’t healthy and rights were terminated. We did the goodbye visit and they were given balloons and covered in lotion when we got them back. It was almost like every other visit and bio didn’t believe that was the last time seeing them. The termination was appealed on the last day you could do it and that went on for a year and a half. The appeal was denied several months later, they’re finally officially ours. 

One big thing that I’ve learned from my surgery and the boys is how much so many things revolve around food. Visits were almost completely surrounded by food and they’d be fed the entire 2 hours straight. They’d come home with rashes and be sick for weeks and sometimes without a break if visits we’re continuous. We had to try several formulas and different jar baby foods for N and we’ve gone through so many rash creams/diaper/wipe brands. I know exactly what works for them and what will set them off. When you have kids with sensitivities or allergies (or like me and I can’t eat over 10 grams of sugar in a setting), food is a huge struggle. We’ve had to monitor everything that goes into their bodies from the second they came into our house so we could/can pinpoint the problem if/when they’d get sick. They have reactions to a lot and are normally on a very bland diet. They can’t have citrus foods either. Especially strawberries. One of them has also displayed signs of pica and will eat anything and everything. He’s pulled stuff out of the trash at school and we have to watch him like a hawk. We have to limit sugar which makes birthdays and parties at school a blast (like 2 weeks of being sick from a piece of candy). Rewards are based around food a lot and you don’t realize how much. Potty training - skittles or m&ms. Missed visits - go get ice cream. Rewards for school - candy/treats. Movie theater - candy/popcorn. If you’re good “insert situation” - you can get a treat. It really makes you put more effort into everything and think more about different situations that would normally be easy. 

1, 150 days may not seem like a lot to some, but those were some of the hardest days I’ve ever been through. We dealt with allegation after allegation, were told it was our fault the kids were taken/all blame was on us, tried to befriend someone and it didn’t go the way we hoped, the boys almost went home and we knew we’d never see them again, soo many doctor and dentist appointments, lots of visits both in person and virtual, behavior after behavior, redoing their room 3-4 times because of behaviors, lots of withdrawal symptoms and scary things to watch young babies go through, figuring out and adjusting to allergies/sensitivities, lots of therapy appointments and fighting for therapy, our doctors/caseworkers/lawyers being threatened of being sued by bio, their names being spelled differently almost every visit by bio (hence why we changed names a little bit. They deserve a name that had thought put into it), going through 2 different case workers and 2 different lawyers (and a lawyer’s assistant who we loved!), going through 3 home supervisors, attacking emails from bio, sooo many courts and state reviews, and everything was always completely out of our hands. We witnessed first steps, first birthday for one, first words, not wanting to be touched to almost always in someone’s face, and then growing from delicate little babies to healthy and extremely active little people. We’ve watched C’s speech bloom and continue to expand. They’ve come so far and are amazing little boys who I’m honored to raise. 

This has and will always be a family affair. Our bio kids have witnessed more then normal and I feel like it’s made them better. They know about addiction. They know about kids who’ve been abused. They also know to always be respectful. They will never hear us bad mouth a kid’s bio family and we don’t allow them to bad mouth them either. Even when it’s hard not to be upset that they’re hurting the ones we love. They’ve helped foster siblings through big issues and have given up so much to help others. They’ve said goodbye to foster siblings they’ve grown close to and they have gone to school and come home to new kids. They’ve helped with respite for a few days to 10 days and loved on kids who went back to a different foster home. They’ve called them all their siblings. We go over with every kid who comes into our house what they want to call the kids and us to others. We never force “mom”/“dad”, but normally it happens naturally since there is already 4 kids calling us that. Even our 15 year old called us “mom”/“dad” fast. We don’t forget anyone who has stepped foot in our house or who we’ve gotten a call about. Respite or permanent placement. The bios know about court and how stressful it is for us. They’ve helped their own friends through tough situations and they talk to us about everything. Jaidyn just helped a girl the other day who said she wasn’t comfortable with a guy following her and he told her to stay with him. My kids are seriously the best. I wasn’t sure if this would be a bad thing for our family or not. I feel like it’s made us stronger for the most part. We’ve survived a lot in our foster journey and we’ve been open with them about it all from day one. They all have different people they’re closer to. Skylar is good with everyone. Matteo is E. Ryker is N and P. Jaidyn is C. N and E are almost always attached to me too. 

I think one of the biggest concerns most people have when it comes to fostering or adoption is if they’ll love them as much as if they gave birth to them. First, their kids and if you like kids, you don’t have a problem. Their not “damaged goods”. They’re hurting children who your heart breaks for immediately. They’re just kids whether they’re 1 day old or 18 and they need a family who’s safe. I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like bio or not, the love for each child is individual. They all have their unique needs, likes, wants, dislikes. They have their own love languages. You love each child differently as they are anyway. You can love you kid’s friends and you can love your friend’s kids, so why wouldn’t you love a child who comes to you in their most vulnerable state. Every time i felt like I couldn’t do something, my heart would explode with love for whoever was struggling. We’ve joked about favorites (Elyas), but each kid knows they’re loved unconditionally and can come to us with anything. There is no competition in our family and we don’t let anyone pit bios vs not bios against each other. We’re a family from the second we meet you (foster, adopted, or friend) and we’ve made it a natural part of our life. 

You want everyone to win and it is a sad situation when it doesn’t go as expected. We went into this to help families. We never wanted the bio families to fail. We wanted the bio to get help and we told the bio we’d be their cheerleader while they did what they needed to do. 

Our caseworker said thank you for allowing her to be a part of this journey at our last visit this month. How awesome is it that a caseworker would say that? We were honored to have her in our life and I hope she stays a part of it! She’s done so much for the boys and we love her like crazy! She tried to help the bio too and I can only imagine how hard it is when it doesn’t work. Our first caseworker for them was also E’s caseworker and she’s so excited the boys’ case is over too. She’s seen it from the beginning and kept up with it even when she wasn’t their caseworker anymore. We seriously had the best team. 

I want my boys to know we tried. I want them to know so many people fought for them. I want them to know their bio loved them but didn’t know how to be a parent because of their own situations. I want them to know their bio tried in their own way. I want them to know addiction is a disease that the bio couldn’t get control of but it’s not the boys’ faults. I want them to know we tried to help the bio. I want them to know nothing is their fault and this did not happen because of them. I want them to know we’ve always been in their corner. I don’t ever want them to think we stole them from their family or hate where they came from. I don’t want them to think they can’t ask questions or that if things are healthy later, they can’t visit bio. We will continue to fight for them and will do whatever they need.  I just want them to know they’re loved and that will never change. 

Elyas David Griffin

​

I can tell you exactly where I was when we got the call. I had been praying for months for our future foster kid and I thought no one else needed us. I had this gut feeling it was coming and it was driving me nuts that it didn’t. You don’t want that call because it’s a child’s worst day, but you also want to help them. My initial thought with getting that call is that I just want to hold that baby. We had C and N for almost a year and we had space to help 2 more kids. We wanted older kids or siblings and said we wanted over 3 years old (ha). We got asked to take a kid we had in respite (same age as N) and declined because his was an extremely complex case and our other kids’ case was crazy too. 

Zach and I were chilling in our bed on a Saturday morning when we got the call. I knew immediately why she was calling and asked who needed us. She said it was for a 2 month old baby boy. He was coming from Trinidad (where our other boys came from too) and had to be checked out by the hospital first. I thought it was an error and she meant 2 or 12, but nope, 2 months old. The first call is pretty much no info besides an age and gender (which can be wrong). It’s also a little bit of their story but a lot more comes out in the months after having them. I looked at Zach and he knew. I said yes. Trinidad is 3ish hours away and the caseworker asked to meet me at Walmart in town. Typically they come to your house to see where the baby/child is staying, etc, but she didn’t want to drive that far (she quit a few months later). We had to get N out of the crib and everything ready while not knowing what he was coming with. She did tell me I needed my own car seat. Zach stayed with the other kids and I met her at Walmart. I switched him to my car seat and he was mine. It’s crazy to me how they don’t ask for an ID or anything and how I was just handed a baby in a parking lot. He came with his hospital gown, a thing of pre made formula, one of the cheap dollar bottles, a quilt made by a group in Trinidad, and a pack of diapers. I think there was 1 or 2 outfits from the police too. I was already at Walmart so we went shopping. We essentially started from scratch and I had to guess clothing sizes, diapers, and formula. He was TINY but has always had his Buddha belly. N and C have skin/food sensitivities so I stuck with a lot of the same things I did for them with E. 

(This is the picture I sent Zach from Walmart 💙)

He was almost completely emotionless and extremely easy. He wouldn’t turn his neck almost at all. It took weeks to get him to make eye contact and he’d stop after visits. He was instantly attached to my hip. He still is almost always in my lap or near me. C and N were still little so of course the jealousy hit. 2, 1, 2 months.  It was a pretty easy transition though. 

They initially said visits weren’t happening but started visits for him a week after we got him. They were the same time as our other boys. That only lasted a little bit before there was an incident and visits for him went to strictly (supervised) virtual. Those were awful and I had to sit and watch. He was called ugly and mean names, but they still let visits happen. Our caseworker switched to our caseworker for our other kids and she’s been like family for the last 3 years. N and C switched to a different county/caseworker but she still loves seeing them and asking about them too. We were her last case as a case worker and now she’s a supervisor that doesn’t do home visits. Our lawyer stopped taking cases but kept ours too. It’s really special that they stuck around to see this case through with us. They have been an amazing team and we were really blessed to have them. 

We took him to the doctor initially and found out he had Torticollis. The doctor said it was from him being left in a car seat or being neglected. We took him a month later and the doctor said he was a completely different baby. He just needed to be held and loved. I almost never put him down. He was pretty much always held by someone from the second he stepped in our house. I NEVER expected a 2 month old to not go to family. I thought family or someone would come forward and take him. No one came. No one was safe. Rights were supposed to be terminated and a grandparent stepped forward saying he wanted him the last second. This guy hadn’t seen him or asked about him in almost the year and a half he’d been in care but he got married the month right when rights were supposed to be terminated and his wife wanted him. Apparently she had a ton of other kids as well. Court was pushed off 3 months and then rights couldn’t be terminated until the grandparents had a home study. They were denied being able to take him and threatened to sue but backed off. There was a lot that wasn’t safe and I’m so glad it was recognized. In May 2022 rights were terminated and there was no appeal. Several months later and now he gets to be ours forever. I never expected it and I tried so hard to think of him as being temporary so it wouldn’t kill me when he left. However, I can not imagine our lives without him and I did hope we’d still be a part of his life even if he went back home. 

He’s a light after having such a dark beginning. He’s the BEST hugger and for the most part an extremely happy baby. His favorite things are bananas, animals, Spider-Man, cars, and his mama (which he says on repeat). His smile will brighten any room. He’s a huge fan of high fives and will freak out if he misses one. He says “hi” to everyone and loves attention. He’s extremely close to Jaidyn and Matteo. He has his moments but when you do foster care, you learn how good it is when kids can express all emotions. It’s an absolute honor having him as a son. 

As excited as we are to officially add him to our family, it’s also sad how it got to this. He has definitely been affected by the trauma of foster care and being separated from his first family. We won’t shy away from that or how he feels (or will feel) about adoption. He’s not lucky to be with us and no kid should go through what he’s been through. We are getting copies of all of his information and will have it ready for when he asks. We are not his only family and I will never take that away from him. 

His name didn’t change, just the spelling. He was with us more then family and we love his name. It doesn’t have as negative of a backstory as our other kids so we decided to keep it. His middle name is after my dad :) 

A Hard Goodbye

Today I’m going to take a break from foster stuff and go more towards military life. Oh, yeah! I’m a military wife on top of all the other crap 😝 talk about overload, that’s the definition of military life. The constant unknowns, leaving at the drop of a dime, making friends who become family insanely fast, losing those friends insanely fast,  moving so often that your kids start asking when you’re moving again every 1 1/2 years, TDYs, deployments, hurry up and wait, recalls, countless acronyms, TriCare, evacuations, TMO, having your personal goods lost in transit, missed birthdays/anniversaries/funerals/holidays, etc. Zach joined the military after we’d been married for a year. Jaidyn was only a few month old when he went to basic. We went through everything together. Or he went through it and I supported him. Actually, I was tired of the inconsistency of retail jobs and begged him to get more stability for our family. The military seemed like a good option. Ha what a roller coaster that has been! We’ve known so many military couples who have been married, divorced, and remarried during our own marriage. We know people that has happened to outside the military as well, but it’s extremely common for divorce within the military. 

I’ve even known of people getting sent on a “tdy” to be by a mistress. Zach has gone drinking with a coworker who invited 2 girls and tried to hook him up. He’s been asked if he’s “happily” married by coworkers. The “what happens on a tdy/deployment, stays there” is a thing with a lot of military members. I’ve heard of military spouses leaving a broom on their porch to say they’re “available”.  I could go on and on. Anyway, ultimately, it’s extremely hard to stay married within the military lifestyle. They’re all about “family”, but it’s more geared towards your coworker family and not spouse. 

Zach and I have been through a ton within his time in the military. He’s gone on a ton of TDYs and 2 deployments. The first deployment I found out I was pregnant (Skylar) 2 weeks after he left and the second time he got malaria and almost died. I had the car show up at my house with his first shirt and boss and almost had a heart attack. Both times, I was in a different state then family and mainly by myself. That’s when your friends who become family really step up. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for them. 

You get used to being alone but that doesn’t make it easy. I can handle it, but that separation is awful and the comments you get while your spouse is gone can be very hurtful. Especially the “you knew it was coming”. Or that’s what you get when you’re a military spouse. Or the one uppers who “have had it worse”. It’s like a constant competition instead of just being there for each other. You know people will die eventually, but it still sucks when they do. Plus, the kids don’t fully get it. You have to live life as normal even though it’s far from it. It’s hard and we should be allowed to vent without criticism. Life isn’t always happy go lucky and we need a space to be down. Especially when we’ve been “positive” all day for the kids. Complaining for 2 seconds on fb, doesn’t mean we’re just sitting around moping forever. 

I have major separation anxiety. I blame it on being adopted. I hate people leaving and I separate myself from people when I feel like they are leaving me or going to leave me. It takes a conscious effort on my part not to do that when I realize it’s happening. That makes it hard for me to have relationships with my grandma or Zach when I know he’s going away. It also makes it hard in the foster world when I feel like I’m losing them. I am more emotional anyway, and I do feel things deeply. 

This last year has been a lot. We have been dealing with a lot with foster care, the kids, and military stuff on top of all the COVID crap we’re all dealing with. Before the corona virus became a thing, zach was going to a lot of doctors for his back, leg, and lung stuff. We’ve been told before that they were going to med-board him, but it never came about or we’d move and have to start the process all over again. This last year, they were really pushing to medically retire him. We thought he’d be out of the military by September 2020 and I’d become the bread winner. I was going to go to college and he’d stay with the kids or work part time as a contractor for the base. He was already getting offers for jobs if it came to that. What would happen changed constantly, but I’ve put my wants on hold for the military for so long that I was actually kind of excited to have the option to do something. Clinics closed and everything continuously got pushed off. He ranked up and wasn’t complaining because the longer he’s active duty, the longer it’s more consistent for our family in the midst of all the crazy. I was kind of annoyed because my goals got pushed off again, but at this point, I’m used to it. 

The week of Thanksgiving, we found out that he’s tasked to go to Korea for a year. If you’ve ever been a part of the military world, you know how dreaded those words are. We thought he was done with leaving and deployments, but now he’s leaving in July for the longest separation we’ve been through at one time. I know I’m not the only spouse who has had to deal with this or who is going to deal with this, but it sucks. I’m not handling it well and I’m really having a hard time with it. Not only do we have our bio kids to think about, but who knows where we’ll be at with our foster situation and it’s a lot for me to think about handling on my own. I’m not sure if we’ll renew our license, but we will get to that when we get there. This is the first time I’ve been around family while Zachs away, but I’m still 30-45 minutes away from everyone and I’ll be on my own yet again. 

I’m tired of the ups and downs. I’m tired of thinking I know where my life is going and getting a shift. I don’t handle change well and it’s like an unending game in my life. I don’t need to be told to take it day by day. I will and I know I’ll be ok, but right now I’m not. Right now I’m thinking about how next year he won’t be home for Christmas. Right now I’m thinking about how much it’s going to kill my kids when we tell them (which we won’t until July, they don’t need that stress). Right now I’m thinking of the things he’ll miss. Right now I’m terrified what crazy event will happen while he’s gone. Right now I’m questioning if I can handle farm life by myself. Right now it’s hard and it sucks. I know I’m blessed beyond measure that he has a job and that we are near family, but it doesn’t make it any easier to be separated from your husband for so long. 

Please be kind and hug a military spouse or give them some encouragement from 6 feet apart if you see one ❤️ 

Ruby

This is the story of our second permanent placement. Her real name isn’t Ruby but that’s what she asked us to call her. September 27, 2019 we got that call. The one we’d been anticipating and waiting for. We did a lot of respite in between our first placements leaving, but we were dying for a permanent placement. 

One thing we have been passionate about since getting into foster care is sibling groups and first reserve kids. We want to help the kids who are typically overlooked or help kids not be separated. First reserves is mainly for  older kids and those kids who require extra or may be “harder” cases. Sometimes it’s even for kids who they couldn’t find an initial home for and they kind of get lost in the system and group homes. Or for kids who’ve been in residential treatment. We know it’s a lot, but our family was ready and willing. 

Anyway, we/I got that call. It was for a 15 year old girl who was living with family in a car. Her nephews and nieces were also in the system. Her bio dropped her off at residential because the school said she was having suicidal thoughts and CPS took over. They had little to no information but we said yes. We were in the process of trying to get another girl who was in group homes and had similar behaviors so we were ready. We did have a ton of plans for the weekend, but the caseworker got everything approved and we were good to go. 

She immediately told us her story within being at our house for maybe 5 minutes. We fell in love with her fast and she was immediately family. She asked us to call her Ruby because her real name was from a brother who abused her. Lots of trauma and bad experiences with men. She also had a really bad relationship with her mom which made our relationship a roller coaster. She needed a dad and a good mother relationship so we did whatever she needed. She demanded a ton of attention and we obliged. The first few weeks were a lot of LONG night talks or talking her down from her depression. Like her laying on the floor and me telling her how loved she was or making her list things she liked about herself. These sessions lasted for hours and it was typically me and Zach while the other kids were forced in the living room. My kids are seriously amazing. They are the perfect example of grace and loved her like crazy. We all loved her. We still do.

It started to get bad after about a month. We started trying to set boundaries because the other kids needed us too and she wouldn’t have it. She started being aggressive to the kids and especially to me. She would throw rocks at the kids and threw a giant snowball at Matteo’s face. She also poured water in the front walk way so she “could watch people fall”. 

I went from being her best friend to her enemy. All the hate she had for her mom, poured onto me and I took it. It got so bad that I’d have to hide in my room when she was home. She tried to get the kids to turn on me too. She would tell them the password to stuff was “mom sucks” and she was constantly trying to get the older boys in trouble. She was very verbally abusive and I was called a “b” almost daily.

It also started getting to the point where she was trying to take my place in the relationship. She tried to put zach against me (which worked) and she’d constantly wedge herself between us. She had a cartoon picture drawn of our family and she put me and zach as different characters from different shows but her and zach in the same cartoon family. I had a friend who saw them at the dentist and she said it looked like she was his girlfriend. I’m jealous, that’s no secret, but this was legit happening and I know it comes from how she was raised. It wasn’t her fault, she really didn’t know any better. Zach sees it now, but he didn’t see how bad it was when it was happening. He was innocent to it all and really just wanted a relationship with her like he has with Skylar but it’s very different with a traumatized 15 year old vs an innocent 7 year old. 

She LOVED Matteo the most and they got along pretty well. She loved Skylar too but she really didn’t know how to be a big sister. She hated how innocent our kids were and I think she was jealous they were sheltered and not exposed to stuff she’d been exposed to since an extremely young age. She went from being the youngest of 4 to being the oldest of 4 other kids.We were originally told she had a great relationship with her nephews and nieces but we found out later that her sister and nephews/nieces wanted nothing to do with her. Through all of this, she’d constantly ask us to adopt her or for a pet of her own. She wanted to be a part of our family and we really wanted her to be a part of our family too. 

She was a cutter and we had to file a lot of incident reports. She didn’t understand what she was doing and almost immediately after doing stuff she’d talk about other things or treat it like a joke. She’d also tell us when she’d cut herself but preface with “this has nothing to do with you but..”. It all broke my heart and we tried so hard to make it work. We got her involved with the school, we took her to say goodbye to her old school that she was obsessed with, we let her hang out with her friends, she joined cheerleading and we were at every game, she had multiple boyfriends, she had her phone, we took her to weekly counseling, we took her to court even though I didn’t think it was a good idea, she shaved her head and we supported her, we included her in everything and treated her like family. We loved her and we tried. Oh how we tried to make it work. 

We asked for help and kept getting pushed off. We were constantly told help was coming but it never came. We told them she had sociopathic tendencies and no one believed us. We told people we didn’t feel our kids or myself were safe with her, and no one listened. She helped make coffee at our support meetings and I couldn’t drink it because I was afraid she’d put stuff in my coffee that she knows I can’t have. I always felt like she needed to be an only child or with a single parent who could give her that attention she craved. 

We did put in our notice with her but she didn’t know that. That was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make but the whole relationship was getting extremely toxic very fast. 

The end of November, I was babysitting for church and had everyone but Ruby and Jaidyn with me. Zach was home with them. They had crossroads (like a youth group) after school and then zach would pick them up while I was gone. When he picked them up, Ruby told him how her friend from Florida had just committed suicide. He told her how awful that was and kind of left it alone. When they got home something happened and she said she may as well go kill herself. She’s made comments before and we let her cool off, so he left her alone a minute then went to check on her. When he went in her room she was in the process of cutting herself extremely deep. Thank God he was smart and able to stop the bleeding, but it was bad. He called the caseworker and she told him where to take her. Jaidyn had no clue all of this was going on and stayed home since I was maybe 20 minutes from the house and on my way home. All I remember is zach telling me something happened and he was taking Ruby to the hospital. I had no clue what or how bad it was but I was freaking out. He wrote me at 8pm and I didn’t hear from him again until 2am. We had been trying to get her into a program for help since we got her and no one listened. When zach took her to the hospital, people FINALLY started to see what we were talking about. They had 3 counselors talk to her and in between talking to them, she’d ask zach when they were going home or if she could have sex with her boyfriend. She was completely delusional and didn’t understand the severity of it at all. 

She was committed and we were originally told she’d only be there 2-3 days, then she’d come back to us. Since we had put in our notice, they asked if we could take her back while they’d  try to get her a different family. She needed some intense therapy so we were hoping she’d get a new family who’d help her through it. The caseworker is the one who said she was getting released but the counselor said she needed serious help and would be there at least 60 days. They did end up finding her another home outside our foster agency and we do still think about her daily. I hope that she’s getting the help she needs and that they are finally taking her seriously. She has texted us and asked us to adopt her still, but she was not a good fit for our family and she deserves us to have enough love to say she needs something different then us. We’ve told her we’re still here for her and we love her, but there has to be some serious boundaries. Our kids explained how traumatic that situation was to our home supervisor when we renewed our license and it makes my heart hurt a bit that they witnessed so much in such a short time. They’re stronger for it though and we will forever love her and pray for her. In all of this, we learned a ton and we are still open for older kids. She forever has a place in our hearts and I really hope we had at least a little bit of a positive impact in her life. 

Our First

One of the things that’s hard about foster care is not being able to share all the stories. You can’t share pictures and get criticism for sharing pictures with their faces crossed out. Believe me when I say, I’d LOVE to share their adorable faces and my phone is filled with pictures of every child who has stepped foot in our house. We even have some professional pictures done of our entire family with our foster kids. Our children call them all their brothers or sisters no matter how long they’re with us. They’re our family and it’s hard not to show them off. I’m going to try to share our experiences and some stories, but don’t ask for more details because I can’t share it. I won’t share names, but use an initial. Their stories need to be shared and I think it’ll help to explain some of what we’ve dealt with.  

So, like I said, we didn’t know we were licensed until we got our first call for a placement. We have the placement number on speed dial and your heart skips a beat whenever she calls. It always starts with a “hi, how are you” and you almost immediately say yes because you know why she’s calling. Anyway, I had surgery the beginning of July and was maybe 1 or 2 weeks post op. Zach was home and he got the call. She told us we were licensed and asked zach if we’d take 3 kids. They were associated with the military and they thought we’d be a good fit. Zach said he’d call her back (a big no no!) and ask me first since I just had surgery. I immediately said yes and why the heck wouldn’t he automatically say yes! Ha He called her back and they’d already found another home. Ok cool, not meant to be and now we always immediately say yes. He knows I will and they typically call me first, but he got it that time since I was in recovery. Fast forward maybe 2 weeks and we get another call. This time it’s for 2 boys from a reservation. We were warned about how complicated dealing with the reservation stuff could be but said yes immediately. They had been sitting at DHS for several hours and apparently the reservation didn’t want them with the reservation because of their situation. The bio parent had tried to shoot her boyfriend while the kids were in the car and was going to jail for a while. We weren’t told if he died or not but it didn’t sound good. They knew nothing about family and they had nowhere to go. They also said they were coming with their puppy if we were ok with it. Duh, yes! We want them all! They were close to our 2 youngest bio’s age and my heart broke for them. Apparently it was a domestic abuse situation and I really believe she felt like she had no way out. It wasn’t handled right, but my heart still goes out to her. When they pulled up to my house I met them outside. They looked sooo tiny and my heart melted. The younger one took to us immediately but the older one had a harder time with me. He’d always talk about his mom and you could tell they loved her. We NEVER made them feel bad for talking about her and I never tried to take her place. I gave him his space and he needed Zach. He had a mom but he needed a dad and Zach stepped in. While they were with us they asked how we could love them and we said we’d been praying for them since before they came to us. We still love them and I’m getting choked up just thinking about them. Those boys had my heart the second I heard about them. Anyway, their mom spilled info about family when she got to jail and an Aunt popped up in New Mexico who wanted them. As hard as it was, I 100% believe they needed her and they are where they need to be. I never thought I’d feel like that but N was having a really hard time with the language barrier and he needed to be on a reservation with people who understood his culture. Q adjusted extremely well and I think they both would have adjusted but they needed family and I felt at peace with the situation. We had them a week and I will never stop praying for them or thinking about them. I remember the day they came and I remember the day they left so vividly. Zach came with me to take them to the agency to drop them off with their Aunt, cousins, and grandpa. We got to meet everyone and it felt right. The boys were extremely comfortable with all of them and it was an easy transition for them. We balled in the car but were able to keep it positive around the boys. They were nervous driving into town and we just kept talking about the positives or how great their aunt seemed. Saying goodbye was awful and we haven’t heard anything about them since. They did take their puppy too which made me happy. Everything in the car was evidence (and all they had) so they came with maybe one outfit each from DHS and their puppy. He’s all they had and I’m so glad they had him and each other. That was our first experience with foster care and definitely a lot for a first. You normally don’t get a NICWA case but we’re the kind of people who get the crazy cases. This is one of those cases where I truly believe it worked out for the best, but I’d do anything to hear how they are ❤️

Our Journey To Foster Care

I know I talk about this all the time, but I was adopted as an infant. My sister was also adopted as an infant. Adoption has always played a huge role in my life and I have always wanted to get involved in foster care or adoption. I NEVER thought I could handle foster care. I was afraid I’d get too attached and not be able to handle giving them back. We have actually been to several orientations on foster care but something always came up. In Texas we went to one but they were so big on kin placement and it didn’t feel right. In Florida we actually had an appointment for an orientation with Bethany (the same company my sister was adopted through!) the week we were evacuated for the hurricane. When we got to Colorado, you’d think adoption/foster care would be the last thing on our minds but everything lined up. My sister’s church kind of sponsored our family during our displacement and we got involved with the church fast. They were doing a Christmas party for foster families of a foster agency they supported and we decided to volunteer to help. It was so hard not to fall for these kids FAST! One of the girls (maybe 7) told me that she used to be sisters with another girl but now she’s sisters with another family. Hearing these kids stories broke my heart. One of the girls clung to me the entire night and my heart melted. I talked to Zach and we agreed to write the agency for more info. Beth called us maybe an hour after sending the message and had us come in the very next day for an interview. It all fell into place soo fast and just felt right. We were approved to start the process of training in January but pushed it off to February to get settled into our house. We were evacuated from Florida in October 2018, moved into our house the end of December, and started the foster care education classes in February. When I say it was fast, it was fast. Classes went until April or May and then we had our home study. We didn’t know we were approved until they called us in July for a placement. We were officially foster parents the end of June. We are a foster and adoptive home. In this all, the kids were 100% on board. We talked with them constantly and always asked their opinions. They were interviewed for the home study too and all very excited to get it started. Every one of our bios has their specific kid they want, but ultimately we’re open for whoever needs us. We’ve had kids from 2 months old to 15 years old. We’ve said yes to every kid they’ve offered us minus one (we knew him from respite and it was way too much for us to add on to our pile at the time. Nothing against him but his bios were over the top and we already were dealing with that with our other 2). We’ve had 6 permanent placements (they’re with us until they go to family or back with who they were taken from) and 13 (2 twice) respite (we have them for up to 2 weeks to give their foster family a break). We can have up to 8 kids total right now. Every one of those kids has a permanent place in our hearts and even the kids we said yes to but don’t get are in our hearts as well. The stories will haunt you forever. One thing I read that really stuck out was someone who said something like “people say they could never do foster care because it’d hurt too bad to give them back. So does that make me heartless?” It stuck with me. You have to have a huge heart to do this and it is definitely not for everyone. You do get attached and if you don’t, you’re not doing your job. You love these kids like your own but you’re constantly reminded that they aren’t yours and you have no say in what happens. Foster parents are held to an extremely higher standard then the bio parents and it’s hard. It’s hard not to compare or feel like everything you do is pointless if they’re just going back. It’s hard not to feel like an awful mom when the bios are constantly saying how awful you are.  It feels like a bad joint custody or giving your kids to an awful babysitter. Sometimes it is easy and you do want the bios to win. Sometimes it’s hard when they do win because nothing has changed. It’s hard to see the kids you’ve loved for so long go back to the crazy. It’s hard to see their future and it not look good. Sometimes your heart feels at peace with the outcome and sometimes you cry in the shower because you have no control. No matter what, I cry every time one of my kids leave and a piece of my heart goes with them. I do this for the kids. In no way is this for me. I’ve wanted to quit so many times and have told Zach we need to put in our notice, but month by month keeps going by. We’re at a year and a half as licensed foster parents and as hard as it can be, I won’t quit. I can’t quit. Each story and each kid needs someone to know they’re worth it and if we can help just 1 kid, it’s all worth it. ❤️

A Laugh

Normally when a kid laughs it's a good thing. Who thinks of a child's laughter as bad?? When Matteo was maybe 3 years old he started to do this weird laugh. He couldn't control it and you could see the fear in his eyes. I was the only one who noticed it for a long time. I finally convinced Zach we should take him to a doctor and the pediatrician said it was "just a phase". That his child did the same thing and Matteo would grow out of it. He did say it was like a tic and we could come back in a few months if it didn't go away. However, the doctor was convinced it'd go away. It did come and go for a while. He'd have episodes for a few weeks, we'd set up an appointment, and then they'd stop by the time we got in. So frustrating. We finally got a referral to a children's hospital in Utah. They couldn't find anything and continued with the tic theory. Zach was finally noticing it and so were people he'd be around. It got so bad we'd have to warn people who'd care for him. No one took it seriously. It was just a laugh. Every time it would stop and come back it would add on symptoms. The side of his face would go numb, he'd bounce all over the place, he could control the volume in the beginning but it got were he couldn't control it, he'd wet the bed (only when he was having them at night), they'd be mostly during the night but sometimes during the day..etc. I still have a hard time sleeping. It was so scary knowing how often he'd have them at night. He'd have them up to at least 17 times a day on a bad day. You don't really get how bad it is to be "that mom" until it happens in public. People just thought he was super excited and really loud. He's had a ton of EEGs and an MRI. Most of the times they wouldn't find anything. When we moved here they FINALLY saw it. His doctor in Alabama actually had to catch him from falling off the table during an episode. We had been told the whole time that it was definitely not seizures until we saw this doctor. He did a lot of tests and finally diagnosed him with abnormal seizures with physical and vocal tics. Normally tics don't happen at night and that was really throwing them off since most of his episodes were at night. Turns out it was all together. They're still running tests to diagnose which spot the seizures are actually in and the journey is far from over. However, it is sooooo nice to finally be validated. It's been a long journey just trying to get someone to take it seriously. We had doctors tell us to YELL at Matteo to snap him out of it. We had doctors tell us we were too strict and that's why it happened. We had people tell us to ignore it. Zach said Matteo was faking it. Do you know how good it felt to have someone FINALLY tell me that I wasn't crazy and that something was wrong?? Granted, hearing something is wrong with your child SUCKS, but I just wanted him to get help. I wanted him to be heard and right now, I'm his voice. Matteo and I have always had a crazy close bond. Watching him go through all this has killed me. Knowing that his brain could be permanently damaged from all the seizures the DOCTORS blew off, kills me. Matteo is one of the sweetest kids you'll meet. He's on 10 pills a day now and it's still rising. He still has several more tests they want to do and he's currently doing a 5 day stay at the hospital for a prolonged EEG. The hardest part is I can't always be there. We don't live near family and I do still have 3 other kids (all in school) that I need to take care of. A lot of the time Zach will take him and it breaks my heart the whole time he's gone. His doctor is over an hour away and his EEG is over 5 hours away. I feel like such a shitty mom for not being with him. I go as often as I can, but like this trip, it's easier if Zach goes. Trusting doctors or anyone with him is really hard too since so many people blew him off. Even close friends. I get it though. It was hard to see. Even in the videos it just looks like he's laughing. If you look closer though, you can see his eyes are far from happy. I never considered myself a special needs mom. I still refuse to. Matteo is just Matteo and we'll help him the best we can. I will continue to fight for him and all of my other children. I never thought a laugh could hold so much power. I never thought a laugh could break my world. Trust your mama instincts. We know our kids and what is or isn't normal for them. We are their voice. I've never been a fighter, but you better bet Mama Bear will come through when needed. Hugs to all you mamas going through this yourself. It's exhausting in every sense, but these kids are oh, so, worth it. <3