As I’ve gotten older, one of the biggest things I’ve
struggled with is losing my identity. It’s so easy as a wife, mom, military
spouse, and friend to forget who you are. It’s natural to conform to your
surroundings. As a kid, you think you’ve got it all figured out. Once we start
becoming interested in the opposite sex our view changes. It’s so easy to say
you’ll always be yourself, but can anyone honestly say they haven’t done
something to please someone else?
It’s easy to change your world for the guy who you swear
will be “the one”. Or changing your
views to fit in and be like the other girls. One of my favorite movies is “Runaway
Bride”. LOVE that movie! One of the biggest points in it is how she’ll change
the way she likes her eggs cooked depending on how her boyfriend at the time
likes them. She gets so used to doing whatever he likes, that she doesn’t even
know what she likes anymore. It seems to be easier for us girls to fall into
that category. Most of us are people pleasers. Whether it’s for a guy, mother
in law, friend, whoever. I see it a lot
in my friends and in myself. He doesn’t like a dress you love, so you don’t
wear it. He makes a comment about how you look pretty with make-up on, so you
take that as he doesn’t like you without makeup. He likes skinny girls so you become obsessed with health. Etc, etc.
Once you become married it becomes harder. You’re no longer “Ashley”,
but “Griffin’s Wife”. You have more expectations to live up to. You want to show up the other
wives and be the “good wife”. You stress like crazy when the house isn’t
perfect and dinner isn’t on the table when he gets home. You wear what he likes
and live off the complements. Then you become a mom. Now you’re “Griffin’s wife”
or “Jaidyn/Ryker/Matteo/Skylar’s mom”. Your world revolves around catering to
them and being “mom of the year”. Or at least attempting not to fail them and
making them regret their childhood. You do playdates, sport activities, birthdays, and
become a taxi cab driver in the white van. You are constantly making sure
everyone is happy and homework is done on time. Laundry is never ending and you’re
constantly taking care of someone. You make sure that everyone gets at least a
few minutes of one on one time so no one feels neglected. You’re judged for
having a big family and constantly trying to just be a good mom. Even a decent
mom would suffice. Your friends kind of get pushed to the side and you feel
like a failure. You have to stay on top of it all! You drink that 3rd
cup of coffee and just try to survive. You forget to take care of yourself and
your world comes crashing down.
I’m so tired of not having a voice. I’m tired of trying so
hard, that I’m on the verge of breaking. I will ALWAYS be the type of person who is
constantly trying to be better, but I want to find myself again too. I want my
own identity instead of just the one that is constantly living for others.
Otherwise, when everyone is gone, where will I be? Will I even know what to do
with myself? What do I like? You know, I really miss writing. I have a lot to
say and most of my words are all over the place, but I love writing. I used to
write books. Did you know that? I miss it. I miss coming up with stories and
being creative. I miss having the time to write. I also miss singing. A LOT!
Singing used to be my life. I’ve actually recorded a few songs, but am
terrified of sharing them. Someone will always be better. If I’m ever having a
bad day, you can bet your butt that I’ll be blasting my music in the kitchen
and jamming out. My kids even go for the radio when we’re cleaning or if I’m in
a bad mood.
I will always be a mom and I absolutely LOVE it. I love the chaos. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a
life. I’m so tired. So, so tired. I’m becoming depressed and my anxiety is
through the roof. I’ve lost me and I need to find her again. I’m important too.
I matter. It’s so weird to say that. I don’t know if I actually believe it.
One of the other things I’ve realized is that I put so much
effort into my kids and friends that my marriage comes last. I know I need to change that. Being married is hard. Like REALLY
hard. Watching unrealistic, lovey dovey, dramas hasn’t helped my perception of
what marriage is either. Shouldn’t it be easy? Shouldn’t he just kiss your feet
every day that he comes home? Ok, I about died there. Lol It gets tiring
fighting for something like that too. What does a perfect marriage look like
anyway? Does it even exist? I’ve followed Zach around the world for the past 10
years. We’ve gone through sooooo much shit (not a better word for it, sorry).
How we’ve survived the last 10 years is a miracle. We had everything going
against us. If we don’t work out, I can wholeheartedly say we tried. We’re still
trying though and that’s what matters I guess.
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