adoption

Some of you know, my sister and I are both adopted. We were adopted as infants and both have different biological parents. We both always knew we were adopted and there was never any confusion about it.

My birth mom(who was also adopted) was  about 16 when she had me. Her father was military and he was stationed in Korea when she met a guy and ended up getting pregnant. From what I know, he was with her and another girl. I guess the other girl got pregnant and he kind of forced her to have an abortion. After she did, he said he loved her and wanted to be with her...Bla bla bla. My mom didn't tell him she was pregnant and moved in with her mom in Utah to have me. She was tossed from family to family and didn't have a lot of support. She realized she couldn't keep me and gave me up for adoption. The first couple of years she kept in contact with my parents but over time it stopped.

If you saw me and my sister growing up, you'd never know we weren't biologically related. Everyone always told us we looked like twins. We always thought that was pretty cool how it worked out.

Amy and I

I was always curious about the whole adoption thing. I was constantly bugging my mom to adopt more kids and for more info on my background. My sister was opposite and didn't want to know. I knew I was adopted but I wasn't able to find out a lot of the details till I was 18. My parents were afraid I'd run off to her and ditch them. Understandable but I really just wanted to know. Its weird not knowing your background or where you came from. Its still hard. Although I do know my birth mom now, I don't have any clue about my dad and she was adopted too so it kind of ends after her.

I met my birth mom in 2006. I wrote her and it took me awhile to answer the phone when she started calling me. You put stories together in your head and try to fit the puzzle together yourself. When you finally get answers, fantasy becomes reality and everything you thought is now on trial. It was hard for me to understand why she gave me up. About a year after she had me, she got pregnant again and ended up keeping that baby. I'd learn later about how that baby ended up living with her boyfriend's crazy mom but it was still hard. Why did she give me up and keep Tasha?

I have 3 sisters. Amy, my adopted sister. Tasha, my half birth sister (I am yet to meet her). And Melody, my half birth sister. I have a relationship with Amy and Melody but I'm not sure if I'll ever get to meet Tasha.

Melody and I

One of the only pics I have of Tasha

Now that I have my own kids, I couldn't imagine being 16 and having a baby. Or even 17. I had Jaidyn at 19 and that was still nuts. I admire her for choosing adoption. That had to have been hard. You carry a baby for 9 months and walk out of the hospital empty handed. I can't even imagine the strength that took. Or even from my parents perspective. They couldn't have children of their own so they chose adoption. Raising someone's kid as your own has got to be challenging too. Both are heroes in my point of view. Both gave me a good life and both made sacrifices. I could have been aborted easily but she chose to give me life. I will forever be thankful and I hope we can adopt one day too.

Me, my birth mom, and my birth dad.

Bad Day

It's 10 am and this has been my morning so far...

Woke up to jaidyn and ryker screaming (not in the "I'm hurt" way but in the "annoying little kid" way), took a shower while they watched tv (not really watching it, more like dumping out drawers of stuff), baby joined me, got out got them dressed and came downstairs to find the dog crapped in her kennel, cleaned that and then cleaned up the cereal the kids dumped everywhere, found out the internet wasn't working and tried to reset it(still not working), lost and found my phone, switched from Netflix to the cable and it said the card wasn't in it, reset the cable (got it to work), the baby opened the Xbox and pushed down the cd thing so now the door won't close, tried to fix that unsuccessfully, baby preceded to dump more cereal and play in it, Jaidyn left the gate open so now the baby is upstairs and Ryker is naked, going upstairs to get the baby I find that the boys sprayed their drink all over, the boys keep getting into stuff, the baby keeps snapping my necklace in my face, Matteo is teething/has a rash/cold so you can imagine how fun he is (crying over everything!), no one is listening to me, I have to get them re-dressed and ready for school, and now I am trying to take a step back and breathe for a sec.

Yesterday someone posted a quote that read, "it's a bad day, not a bad life". Definitely needed to hear that. Even when things get crazy, it's not that bad. It's going to pass and you'll be ok. Or even like the song "bad day". "take a step down just to turn it around". Take a step back, reevaluate the situation, and breathe.

Keeping It Real

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say that you can't have a life once you have kids. Or you won't have a sex life. I already asked Zach for permission on this one so its going to be fun.

You'll Lose Your Friends - 
I have friends with kids and friends without. I also have friends who are and aren't married. Proof you can have friends in different lifestyles. Just because you have kids doesn't mean your friendships should end. It makes it a little bit more complicated but if you're really friends, you'll figure it out. They'll be understanding when you can't make it cause the baby is sick and you'll understand when they already made plans with someone else.

I had Jaidyn at 19. I had just got out of high school, married my husband, and had a baby before 20. Its hard when you have to miss out on the late night partying and being carefree but I had several friends who stuck around and had my back. They would come over and hang out or go to the mall with me and my baby. They also didn't treat me any differently. We're still friends and I don't think that will ever change.

You Never Get Out of the House -
We still get out of the house. When Jaidyn was a baby, I took him EVERYWHERE. It was awesome though cause he got used to sleeping wherever and he was one of my easiest babies. I wasn't afraid to be loud around him and we didn't walk on our tiptoes when he was sleeping. It was so nice being able to go to movies, dinner, bowling, and whatever else with other people. It got us out of the house and made me feel like a person still. Not someone who was chained to the house because I had a kid.We still do that with 3 kids. We will go walk around Walmart for the heck of it. Or even just go to the Mall and window shop. We can take all of our kids to restaurants and movies. We do get out of the house and its not just to do what the kids want. Another proof that kids don't always change everything.

You Can't Drink -
You have kids, so you can't drink...I laugh in your face! Seriously. I do not get drunk but I do drink. My husband drinks too. We're just more responsible about it. If one person wants to get a little tipsy, the other won't drink or will just have a little bit. I'm 25. I deserve to be able to drink too. We may not do the club scene, but we still get to have a good time.

No Sex Life -
Now the fun topic. A lot of people will tell you their sex life's diminish after having kids. Maybe so for some people but not every one. Zach and I have sex at least once a day. Every day. If its during the day and we're horny, we'll just make the kids play in the playroom for a bit. We actually have a very kinky sex life. We make it work and the kids don't hinder it. And again, obviously, we have 3 kids.

The point is that they don't stop your life. Kids are not some evil creature that come and destroy your social life..Your priorities change but it doesn't change everything. Just because you have kids does not mean they will destroy your marriage. I think they've brought us closer. For those who are scared having kids are going to mess up everything, its probably not half as bad as you think ;)

SuperGirl

I've always been the type of girl who LOVES doing everything. I also love helping people out. My main purpose in life is to take care of others. I've been doing it since the day I was born. Whenever my family would get sick, I would completely baby them and play nursemaid. Bring the wet wash cloth, puke bucket, soup...Whatever was needed. I started babysitting as soon as I could. I've always had that "mom-like" attitude and I would always be the mom whenever we played house. That's just who I am.

There is a down point to that. It gets tiring! I would like to be taken care of too! I've always had to be the strong one. I can't be sick cause I have to take care of everyone else. My thoughts, feelings, whatever have to be set aside so I can continue to be the caretaker. Even before I was a mom its been like that. I'm not trying to be selfish and say it needs to all be about me, but I think we do tend to forget about the people like that. The ones who are constantly giving and appear insanely strong. I have several friends like that as well and its hard to get them to break. To be open and honest about how they really are. Its hard to let your guard down! We're the ones who have to be strong for the ones who can't.

I'm getting really run down living like this. For me, I always hold everything in until it bubbles over and I explode. I can act strong for several weeks and then I break. Normally that just means sitting in the shower and talking myself down. Yes, I talk to myself in the shower...Moving on. Or I've found a new stress release is video games. Ok, now I'm a nerd. Wow, ok. My point is, even the strongest people have breaking points. This weekend was mine. Everyone getting sick and lack of sleep equals an extremely crazed Ashley. Taking care of three/four boys and being sick makes it even harder. Luckily I get over colds pretty fast so I'm not to worried. BUT it would be nice if me and my husband could reverse rolls for a day. I want to be taken care of. I want him to make me tea. I want him to rub my head and ask how he can help.

Who helps out superman? spiderman? Who's got their backs? Granted, they are storybook tales but still. Everyone needs someone to help when life gets a little tough. Not one person can carry the world. I would LOVE to try but its not going to happen.

This may sound bad but I love seeing when other people write posts about how something didn't go as planned. It is so easy to just write online and say how wonderful life is but its nice when someone is a little more honest. Maybe life is great one day, but it's nice when another mom says their tired of dealing with their kids. Or that "today has just been one of those days". It's so easy to get wrapped up in a fantasy that its hard to see reality. No one is perfect, everyone has flaws, and people do break. So much of the online scene has become more about a show. "My life is SOO perfect, my husband is the best, my children are angels, I love being a stay at home mom, and my house is spotless". Seriously makes me want to puke. My house is no where near spotless and the second it is, the kids destroy it. I have no clue how people have constantly clean houses. My husband drives me up the wall and I'm currently writing this so I don't say anything I'll regret to him. lol The only child who is on my good side right now is Matteo and he still doesn't sleep through the night. I miss working like crazy. I miss the adult interaction and the break from the kids. I LOVE my family. I can not stress that enough but this is honest. This is what I'm talking about. Everything has gotten so fake it's ridiculous. Zach calls these people the "chameleons". Constantly changing to what people want to hear/see. Its all about putting on a show and making your life LOOK better then theirs.


Its about time we start being real. Next time you feel like breaking, tell someone! Ask for help! Stop living in the "I have to be perfect 24.7" spotlight. You do it and I'll try to too :)

The Start of our Military Adventure

Zach's been in the military for 4 years. We've been married for almost 6 so I went through the whole process with him. He went to basic in Nov 2007. Some of the hardest months of my life. He was suppose to leave a few months later but a job came up and he took it. They gave him 24 hour notice. Talk about tough! I was kind of in shock that he took it but tried to be supportive anyway. He left me with a 6 month old baby and we had a lot of financial issues he didn't take care of. I ended up getting two jobs while he was gone and worked from 7am - 10pm most days. My parents helped out a lot with Jaidyn. I never want to go through that again and thankfully we are past basic/tech school. Zach missed Jaidyn's first Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Jaidyn and Aunt Arlene

Jaidyn's First Christmas 2007

Basic was 6 weeks. We got through that and my BF Arlene went to Tx with me for his graduation. I only got to see him a few days before he went to tech-school. That was from Jan 2008-April 2008. He called me and told me we got orders to Kadena Afb in Okinawa, Japan. I thought he was lying but nope. He put that first on his dream sheet (list of places you'd prefer to go but rarely get). You can only guess how much fun it was for me to tell everyone. No one believed me but it was very true. I ended up moving down to Missouri with a baby, cat, and dog in February and stayed in a nursing home off base while he finished up tech-school. Long story there. Anyway, we ended up getting pregnant with Ryker in Missouri and then came back to Colorado before we went to Japan.

Basic Graduation

Being new to the military and having an overseas location as your first base was very interesting. Not to mention I was pregnant when we flew the 24+ hours to get there and got pretty sick. Plus Jaidyn was crawling and it was hard to keep him happy in a plane that long. Luckily he was a good baby and the flight attendant even walked around with him for a bit.

Welcome to Okinawa. Huge culture shock. We got there late, I had gotten maybe a half our of sleep the whole plane ride, and it all just seemed like a documentary on TV. The first couple of weeks consisted of finding a car, getting new driver's licenses, house, and getting Zach settled at work.

I have a love/hate relationship with Okinawa. The island is magical and gorgeous. The town is very vibrant and colorful. Its like going to a resort but even resorts make you miss home. That was not a good base for our first one. I think everything was over exaggerated since we were far from. Lots of people had the "I'm better then everyone cause I'm an American" attitude and it wasn't just towards the Okinawans. Not every one was horrible but there was a lot of excess drama. To many bored wives, pissed off that they were away from the States, and doing everything to cause more drama and make other peoples life's harder. The military side of it was harder too. Lots of extra exercises and higher security since being overseas. There were even some protests against the base but never anything really violent. Kind of scary though.


We never made it back to Colorado the whole time we were stationed there. Zach had a TDY and ended up going to the States but he wasn't able to go home either. I missed my sister's graduation, my best friend's wedding, and several family members and friend's deaths. It was really hard not being able to make it home. It does draw you closer to your family. You have to be ok with it just being you, your husband, and your children.


I did have some really good friends there. We would have play dates, go to the zoo, go to the off base mall, random outings, and go to Cocok's(nail salon) for our toes. Best place ever! You get to be with your friends, get your nails done, and have a gorgeous view of the ocean. I miss my girls. You never know though, we may end up getting stationed together again sometime. :)

We found out in 2011 that we'd be moving to Canon AFB, New Mexico. About a week later, it changed to Goodfellow AFB, TX. We got here in July 2011. So far, its been alright. We don't like our housing arrangement but the people are awesome and its a nice little town. The one thing that makes it hard is that we're 8 hours away from our families (not half as bad as okinawa so I can't complain to much) and that its a training base. You make friends and then they leave. There are more students here then permanent party and its kind of hard to get close to anyone.

We are going to try for a B.O.P. (base of preference) in March. Hoping to go back to Colorado! Zach is also looking into being a recruiter and then we'd move back to Colorado for that. We both really want to get back home and hopefully it will happen. If it does, we'd be back August/September time frame of this year. Hopefully. :)

Zach tests for Staff again this year in May. We're really hoping he gets it. He definitely deserves it!

Through it all, I've learned a lot about the military. Some stuff I wish I didn't know. I've learned 1000 and 1 acronyms, that you need to take it day by day, to be careful who you trust, that our life is controlled by the military, that you have to be ok raising the kids by yourself, how important a support system is, and that at any moment life can be taken away. Being a military wife has definitely made me a new person. I am a lot stronger then I have ever been and I've grown up a lot.

Mine

I love weddings and love stories. They are all so beautiful. The love in the groom's eyes as the bride walks down the aisle is one of my favorites.  He just looks so content and no one else matters. She looks at him and the world stops. They know their worlds are changing but its not even on their minds. He reaches out to her, they join hands, and a new story begins.

Just about everyone has their own stories. Some of them haven't happened yet or some of them are in the beginning stages. There is Bella and Edward (Twilight), Marshal and Lilly (How I Met Your Mother), Ross and Rachel (Friends), Derick and Meridith (Grey's Anatomy), Private Practice (Sam and Addison), Rachel and Finn (Glee), Aladdin and Jasmine, Nala and Simba, and so many other movie love-characters. There is also my husband's grandparents who are celebrating the 55th anniversary this year, my sister who is getting married this summer, or even Zach and I who will be celebrating our 6th anniversary in a few months. 

Cute Wedding Videos -

 

I love how when you find the one person for you, no one else matters. He may not be the perfect guy for your friend but he's the perfect person for you. Your world feels complete. You two fit together and mash up perfectly. Over the years, you both change but your love just grows stronger. Its amazing! 

 Zach and I have a kind of weird relationship. We tend to argue a lot but its more of a playful thing. Its kind of our flirting. Super weird for some, but it works for us. We're not really lovey dovey in public but that's just how it is for us. We play the Newly Wed game just about every night and most of the time, our answers are more affectionate then the newly wed's answers. Obviously we are pretty close..We have three kids! They don't exactly hinder anything either. Our kids are on a pretty good schedule and we make time for each other around it. 

Our wedding may not have been perfect but in the end, we got each other and that is all that matters. We've gone through a lot of crap but we've still managed to keep the spark. The biggest thing I remember about our wedding is being completely stressed out, then walking down the aisle, and seeing his face. All the stares from the crowd didn't matter. I just had to stare in his eyes and the weight of the world was silenced. The minute we put the ring on each other, we knew it was forever. There is no turning back. Together, we can make this marriage rock.  

Zach is mine and I am his. I'm a pretty possessive person. He knew that coming in to the relationship. He's a pain in the butt, we fight a lot, he's not always perfect, and he can drive me up the wall but he's still mine and I am glad he chose me too :)

Time

Every year just seems to go by faster. You grow up and are constantly told not to rush it but who listens?

Now the years are flying by. I'll be 25 this year. Its insane to think about!

I have a child in pre-k who will be 5 in May (yeah, yeah, it rhymed ;)),

 I have a 3 year old who will be 4 this year,



And my baby will be ONE next month!!

 

Where did the time go???? Not to mention, Zach and I will have been married for 6 years this June and I haven't been in school for about 6 years. Its cool, sad, and overwhelming all in one. I miss being a kid and hanging out with my friends. I miss not having to worry about bills. I miss high school crushes. However, I have no regrets. My life has just gotten better and everything I've been through has made me who I am and where I am today. All the good choices, bad choices, the hard times, good times...All of it has just made life more colorful. 

I love the phrase "Live each day as if it were your last". I try to live up to that but sometimes its way to easy to fall into the traps that get us off track. We get wrapped up in FB or different addictions that we forget about what's important.This year, I'm taking things day by day. I don't want to blink and miss it all. Life is so precious and each day just goes by faster.

Pregnancy Contract

I told Zach before we even started trying that this round had to be different. We've had 3 kids and its still like a learning process every time. 

We decided to start trying again around September. Jaidyn and Ryker are 18 months apart and we want Matteo to be close to a sibling too. Matteo is 2 years apart from Ryker and you can tell its more of a strain then it was with the first two. 

Anyway, Zach's typically the one begging for another one (believe it or not). This time, I told him I was setting some ground rules. This is more then likely going to be our last baby or our last one for a while and I want it to go perfectly. Yeah, like that's going to happen but I'm still going to try. We decided we're not tying the tubes or snipping other parts so if we have more we do but I think this is the last one we're trying for. Plus, we really want to adopt so we have to save some room for that ;) 

I am currently breastfeeding which makes it a little more difficult to ovulate or have regular monthly goodness patterns. My period was coming every two weeks so I started taking vitex and vitamin B. Supposedly they're both supposed to help. I started that in Dec so we'll see how it goes. We got pregnant with Jaidyn in 3/4 months, Ryker in about 2/3 months, and Matteo the first try. 

This next baby I do want a midwife and I may try to get one of my friends to brave the delivery room with me. We'll see. I would love a home birth but if you've seen my apt, you'd know its TINY and you can hear EVERYTHING through the walls. Hopefully we'll be out of here once our lease is up but until we move, it would have to be a hospital birth or if there was a birthing place. Hoping we'd be back in Colorado for the birth anyway. 

Ahhh....Anyway, Zach is awesome and he is pretty good about helping me out and supporting me. This is more of a "you signed it so I can shove it in your face later if you don't follow it". Eh, it works for me and he signed it :D Here is the contract...

Pregnancy Contract -
1) I will support you in every way possible. Example: cravings, late night ramblings, mood swings, etc.
2) I will overcome my "man-ness" and be girly with you when it comes to baby shopping/decorating the room
3) I will treat this pregnancy like a whole new pregnancy/baby no matter the gender. Example: New things
4) I will hold in my disappointment if not the gender I wanted and continue to be excited.
5) Even you play "superhero" I will still offer to help or give you a break even if you don't ask.
6) I will plan date nights/outings so we're not stuck in the house.
7) I will not ditch you unless you give me full permission.
8) When I come home from work, I will help you out with the kids and pay attention to them till bed.
9) I will take 1 month paternity leave
10) I will continue to love and pay attention to the other kids.
11) I will work out with you by doing yoga, walking, or biking.
12) I will not show my disappointment when you say no to sex.
13) I will take maternity photos for you or with you.
14) I will give you money for new maternity clothes
15) I will help out with the dog/cat. Example: litter box
16) I will help get Jaidyn to school when you can't drive.
17) I will find someone to help you out if it gets too hard to deal with everyone during pregnancy.
18) I will take care of meals unless you already have.
19) I will support you in every way possible during birth and I will find a babysitter before hand. Example: Our parents/friend

*I understand that if I fail to follow this, I will not be allowed in the delivery room and this will be our last kid.
Signed X______________________

*Rules subject to change if more are thought of.

PS - We are NOT pregnant yet but we're in the "hoping it happens" phase.

My three little Monsters :D

Jaidyn

Ryker

Matteo

January

There are several months that are a little tougher for me. January, April, and June/July. We ended up losing twins in 2006 and those months still haunt me. We started dating and found out we were pregnant in March/April. I find out later then normal when I'm pregnant. I was about 6 weeks when I found out.

Needless to say, there was a lot of drama and not a whole lot of support. Zach and I had talked about having kids a lot. We both wanted a lot of kids and we both wanted them while we were younger. Ok, but not that young or quick. I was 18 and he just turned 20. I had a sense I was pregnant but he made me wait a few weeks to get a test. It came up positive right away.

We had a wonderful midwife and got to see the baby. A few weeks later I started bleeding pretty bad. It was uncontrollable and one of the worst things I've ever been through. Just to sit there and know you can't stop it is a horrible feeling. I was about 8 weeks. We went for a follow up apt and found out I was still pregnant. It was twins and I had just lost one.

Its hard to explain how that felt. On one hand, it was awesome to know I was still pregnant but it still sucked we lost one. Its hard to morn when you have to be strong for the other one.

So, we continued on with life and a wedding. I was told I may start bleeding again to finish flushing out the first baby but not to worry. When we were on our honey moon, I felt like crap the whole time. I was sick and felt horrible. When we got home, I started bleeding again. I didn't think anything of it until one night when we went to the Dollar Theater and I saw the shape of a baby and eyes (I was about 13 weeks). It looked just like in the pictures of a baby growing. I tried to ignore it, flushed the toilet, and went on thinking I was pregnant.

For our next apt, she couldn't find the heart beat and said to go to the hospital for a DNC or just wait it out. I didn't want to wait and dread losing another baby. I wanted it over with. We went to the hospital, waited for about 4-6 hours, just for them to do a quick ultrasound and say that it was already completely gone.

I am completely open about this and talk about it a lot. Some people don't understand and the typical reaction is to be a little stand offish. Its totally understandable. Its hard to know how to talk to someone who's gone through it but it really is nice when someone listens. I think that's the best thing you can do to show support. Zach and I had just gotten married before the second miscarriage and it took us a long time to deal with it together. It hurt him just as much as it hurt me and it took me a while to see that.

It was all a big whammy. Moving out, getting pregnant, getting married...A lot of my friends turned their backs. I get it. I even turned my back on myself once. I hate how the one time I needed my friends, and they weren't there for me. I can count on maybe a hand who was there for me. It hurts. Still hurts sometimes. No one should have to go through that, let alone by themselves. Just because your friend is doing something you don't always agree with doesn't mean you should shun them. At least it doesn't to me. I feel like if you know someone is being stupid, tell them why you don't agree with it, but then that should be it. Its ultimately their decision and you can't control it. The same thing goes for gay people in my opinion. I am a Christian but I am not going to shun you if you're gay. One of my closest co-workers at Mervyns was gay. He was awesome! My theory is if Christians push people out who are different or not doing what we want them to do, then who is going to witness to them? For me, that just makes you look to good for anyone. Anyway, that can be a topic for another day.

Ultimately it was a hard point in my life. No matter when you think life starts, I believe it starts at conception. I may not have lost them further along, but they're still my babies and will forever hold a part of my heart. I pray God's holding them for me every day. That is one way that helps me get through it. They would have been 6 this January. Yes, seeing other people with twins hurts. I don't blame them and I know its not to spite me but you still get into the whole "why weren't my babies good enough to be born" or "would they have been alive if i had done ___". Now I know that I'm RH Negative and it could have caused the second baby to die. We'll never know and I will never lose their memory. I will share my story and if you're my friend, then you should understand that it helps me to talk about it. I will forever be grateful to those who stood by me through it all. I know a lot of other people who have been through miscarriages also and I like how my story gets to help others. It may not have been what we wanted but it has made us stronger and it does make us appreciate our other children more.

The Importance of Breaks

I love my kids. That will never change BUT I would not survive without a break or Mommy's night out. Aside from FB and occasional play dates, you rarely get social interaction with other people your age. After constantly saying "NO!", giving someone food, filling sippy cups, changing diapers, taking someone to the bathroom, stopping fights, picking up crap that will just be messed up with TWO minutes later, and doing the never ending piles of laundry, I can't see who wouldn't want a break. Its nice to have a conversation with another person who won't respond with "why?", "I want.." or some language only God knows.

As soon as you get a boyfriend, you have to work a lot harder with your girl relationships. Its so easy to just block everyone out and think you only need him. Once you're married, you either stay in that mind frame or you are always looking to get out. I know I've brushed off my friends for my husband and I know other people who've done it too. It happens but you still have to make an effort. For military wives, who is going to be there for you when he deploys? Or goes on a TDY? Friendships are super important. They keep you sane. Plus, you have to have someone to vent to when your husband is being stupid anyway ;)

I have come to realize that my kids are beginning to define me. I can't go anywhere without them. I LOVE the break but it can be hard to leave them. I'm not sure if its cause I've gotten so self-conscience or if its because I'm with them 24/7 that its weird not to be with them. One of my past neighbors used to say she thought I was a vampire. I only came out at night when Zach was home for the longest time. I've created my own little world and I don't think that's healthy. You need to get out and have a life outside the home. I'm working on that and I've made more of an effort here then I did on Kadena. It took me about 2 years to make friends in Kadena and I've already made lots of friends here. 

The other important one is date nights. You married your husband, not your kids. That is the most important relationship! You have to make sure you get the one on one time away from the chaos. My husband would die without date nights. Our sitter we finally found here just moved back to NY so we're trying to find another one. We started looking for a sitter before we even moved here. That is a really important part for our relationship. I know lots of people who refuse to leave their kids with anyone and never go on dates. I personally don't understand it but I'm not going to judge. For my marriage though, we need those 2 hours out of the house and by ourselves. I love our alone time.


When we were in Okinawa, me and the girls would go to a nail salon once a month. It was such a nice break. Not only was it good to get out of the house but it was also nice to be pampered. Being in a house surrounded by boys, you need those moments! Yes, you NEED it! You need a break. Even if its just making your husband watching the kids for 5 min so you can take a shower by yourself. Those moments help your sanity. That little break is the boost you need to get through the week. I love it. There are times I'll turn on cartoons, pop popcorn, and zone out to my Ipod. You do what you gotta do. All in all, breaks are important and you definitely deserve them. :)

I love these girls. :)

Mommyhood

I absolutely LOVE being a mom. Most of the time anyway. I would be lying if I said it was all the time. Being a mom is a LOT of stress, very overwhelming, but can also be very rewarding. 

I love being able to be a stay-at-home mom. I do miss working but I love being able to see each stage of my children's life. They grow up way to fast and I don't want to miss out. Sometimes I feel bad for Zach cause he misses out on a lot. Especially by being in the military. Sometimes its hard when I see them do a first and then Zach thinks he's seeing it for the first time when he's not. 

I can't believe Jaidyn is in school now. You'd think it would be a nice break but he's the helpful one! I miss him. I'm worried he'll lose his innocence. He's such a sweetheart and I don't want anyone to change it. So far he's been good in school and is the polite one. I'd rather that then the bully any day :D Makes me proud that my parenting is paying off. He's learning a lot and his teacher is awesome. He counts down till he goes to school everyday. We've never had tears but always lots of excitement.

The good thing about having multiple children is that they always have a friend. Jaidyn and Ryker are stuck together like glue. They're best friends and I love it. Fitting Matteo in the picture has been a little hard but we're hoping for another baby soon so that he'll have a friend closer to his age :D 

I was all excited because we've been done potty training for a few months now but then I remembered I have to do it all over again with Matteo. grr! At least we have a little time before that happens. Potty training was supposed to be Zach's turf with boys and mine with girls. haha Supposed to is the key word there. They're potty trained though so that hurdle is done for a bit. Its annoying whenever we go anywhere though cause we're in the bathroom nearly the whole time. Its like walking into a store is turns on the light bulb that they have to pee. Fun stuff!

The things we have done differently with Matteo are cloth diapering and breastfeeding.  I absolutely love it but I do miss formula feeding sometimes. The bond between Tao and I is amazing but its also annoying. I get "touched out" a lot. He's constantly feeding so I'll get to the point where everyone has to keep their distance. Its hard when the kids wanna be cute and cuddle but I just need my space. I even get that way with Zach. Sometimes I'll pick a fight just so he'll sleep on the couch and I get the bed to myself. I know, I'm horrible. He found out I was doing that though so it doesn't fly anymore. haha I do use a cover when breastfeeding and I'm still not to comfortable doing it in public but we've made it work for us. Zach has been incredibly supportive and I think that's the only reason we've survived this long. When Matteo was almost a month old, I BEGGED Zach to go buy formula and he refused. If he had caved, we would be where we are today. Besides complete lack of sleep, I've had a really hard time losing weight while breastfeeding. I've even tried different diets. You see all the people who it just falls off but not with me. I've gotten to the point where I'm just trying to be healthy and not worry about it. I'm doing this for him and as long as he's happy and healthy, I am good.

I am really into the whole cloth diapering thing now too. We do go back and forth between cloth and disposable sometimes but its mostly cloth. It is a pretty big cost at the beginning but it does pay off. I do laundry a lot without the cloth diapers so its not a big deal to add them to the list. With 4 boys in my house, my washer is almost constantly running. Boys are gross! I found a way that works for me to wash them and I throw them in the dryer (although I know a lot of people line dry them). I've had the same cloth diapers for him since he's been born and they are still good so its worked for us. They haven't even had any stains till about two weeks ago when we had to get this rash cream that stained them. I'm typically the only one who does laundry but even Zach knows how to wash them. It normally takes anywhere from 4-6 hours of my washing machine's time when we wash them. They are so cute though and the little cloth booty is adorable! 

We have been talking about adoption since we got together. I was adopted and have ALWAYS wanted to adopt a sibling group. This summer we're planning on buying a house then looking into it. I'm SO excited! We both agree on adopting an older child (hopefully somewhere close to Jaidyn's age) and would like to get a sibling group. Either 2 or 3 siblings. We want to help out some kids who a lot of people pass on cause they're older and we want to save them from being split up. We both feel called to this and I can't wait to get it all started. We are also trying to have one more biological child. Zach's bound and determined to get that girl. Getting pregnant while nursing can be more of a challenge so I started taking some stuff that helps you conceive while breastfeeding. We'll see if it works! For now we're just enjoying our three blessings and taking it day by day. This year is going to be crazy fun though and I'm excited to see where it takes us!

Zach's Proposal Song

"I wanna grow old and wrinkly with you
I wanna know that you feel the same way too
Everything we do, I know its true
Gonna grow old and wrinkly with you

I've got a question that's burning deep within
So hard to ask it I'll try to fight and win
Babe yes I know, I know I'm sure
You're the one for me, my cure

I hope you see, 
Know my love for you is real
And I won't lie babe, what I say is what I feel

Now it's time for me to stop singing
And share with you what I am thinking
All joking I set aside
God give me strength, in you I confide" 



Looking back at this, I can picture everything in my head. I kind of knew what was happening when we went on the hike so it was killing me the whole time. Lots of anticipation. He brought his guitar on a hike which was weird and he told me he was writing me a song. I put two and two together and figured it out pretty quick. I remember the waterfall and me trying not to pass out just waiting for him to ask. I didn't even really listen to the words but it was so sweet. Looking back and actually reading the words, its kind of funny how cheesy we were. Now we make fun of that stuff. Lol Our proposal will always have a very special place in my heart though.

The Story of Us

So, I was going to do one of two topics today. Either the story about Zach and I or about my oldest being in preschool since it starts back up today. Our story won. I'm really getting into this blogging thing and I'm trying to hold back from writing to much at once. lol Zach is already making fun of me for how into it I'm getting.

ANYWAY, some people know the story of how we met and all that but others don't. Plus this is to document our life and this story is a very important part of it all.

As some of you know, I was home schooled all the way through. The most I did at a public school was go once a week for classes at TCA. I also did home school classes once to twice a week at a church. That was about it. My life was consumed by choir, voice lessons, piano, and my church's worship team. I was a senior and still in highschool when we met. I did graduate early and he was out of school.

I started working at Mervyns in September 2005 and ended up getting a myspace account. I started talking to about 5 different guys on myspace. I initiated it. I didn't meet anyone until Oct 2005 when I met up with Zach for a mutual friend's play. The only reason I met up with him is because he went to school with a guy I went to India with and it was in a really public setting. Plus his dad was Ted Griffin, a popular radio host on a Christian music station, and I doubted he was lying about his identity. Anyway, I ended up getting lost and talked to him on the phone up to when I pulled up in the school. I don't know if it was love at first sight for me but Zach looked like he was going to have a heart attack. lol He just kept staring at me and smiling. It was weird for me cause I just had a cyst removed from the side of my face and I was really self conscious. I remember the exact outfit I wore. Brand new jeans with brown beads around the pockets, a long brown sweater jacket thing, and a pink/white shirt. He was wearing jeans a hoodie. Typical Zach. He looked like a college guy and I looked like a middle schooler. lol We had a great time at the play and after he asked me to come hang out but I declined.

We emailed a lot after that and got together a few more times. I remember the first time I met his best friend Kyle. We weren't officially dating or anything yet but we met up for lunch and Kyle was there. It was at Happys or something and they kept talking in their "gay talk" to each other. I seriously questioned if he was gay or not for awhile. I love Kyle though and he was part of lots of pre-dates :D Before we even met at the play, when Zach first saw my profile he told Kyle that I was the girl he was going to marry. He was dead set that I was from that day on. I still talked to the other guys too while talking to Zach. Zach worked full time as a manager at Taco Bell and he worked part time at Dominos. I worked full time at another store now so we would try to see each other in between jobs or by visiting each other. We went to the mall one day and he started holding my hand. I flipped out and told him I couldn't see him anymore. I wrote all the guys and told them I was just taking a break from boys for a while. Zach was the only one who responded incredibly nicely and told me he'd still be there for me as a friend.

We didn't talk for several weeks and the end of Dec 2005 we started talking again. Again, I initiated it. January, he came over to my house to meet my parents. He was a huge hit and everyone loved him. I had to get gas for my car so he followed me to the gas station. When we said goodbye he kissed my forehead. Later that night, I sent him a text saying "You missed". He responded asking where we were in our relationship and if I'd be his girlfriend. Before I wrote him back, I asked my sister, parents, and best friend what they thought. They all gave there approval so I told him yes. about a month later, I ended up moving in with his family.

We decided we wanted to get married and decided around September of 2007. March 2006 we found out we were pregnant so we decided to change the wedding date to June. Lots of it was peer pressure. We actually wanted to elope and have a wedding later but were kind of pushed into a wedding.

Funny thing is, Zach didn't even officially propose till May. The proposal was perfect though. He took me on a hike up at Glen Erie with Kyle of course. When we got to a waterfall, he pulled out a guitar, sang me a song he wrote, and asked me to marry him. Obviously, I said yes ;)

Our wedding day was crazy. I tried to run out several times but no one would let me leave. It was a lot of stress and we both believe we rushed it. The nice thing about our relationship is that I can be completely honest and its not like he will be pissed. He knows my feelings on the whole situation and whatever I say is not something he hasn't heard. June 30, 2006 we said our "I dos" and became man and wife. It was not the wedding we wanted but its done and over and we do plan on renewing our vows eventually.

Since then we've had LOTS of ups and downs but somehow we are still truckin'.  We've been through more then most couples will go through in their lifetime. Two miscarriages, us both working full time jobs, moving 3 times in under 9 months, joining the military, basic, tech school, moving overseas, having 3 children and etc. We've stuck by each other though and all of it has brought us closer. Our relationship is no where near perfect but I don't think anyone's is. We don't have to fake our relationship. I love how real we can be with each other and how we don't have to hide anything from each other. The story of us is still being written and I'm excited to see where it will take us next :) To be continued - :D

Matteo's Birth Story - Copied from FB

Matteo's Birth Story born at 40 weeks 3 days -

5:20 Am on Feb 23, 2011 my water broke. Well started breaking. I thought it was a false call so I took a shower and told Zach to kind of wake up but he went back to bed. lol Took a shower and my contractions came on quick. Had contractions every 3-5 min for about an 1 hour before I woke up Zach again and told him it was go time and he needed to call people. I went downstairs and did the dishes and picked up toys while Zach took a shower. More of my water broke and we started to head for the hospital. Dropped the boys off at Katie's (Thank you sooooooooooo frickin much Katie!) and went to the hospital. It was about 8 am when we got there and my water kept breaking in bigger gushes. They gave me this thing to check if it was my water and it definitely was. They told me the name of the dr who would come check me out and I was PISSED. It was Dr. Aarfa and I had a horrible delivery with him when I had Ryker. I was about to ask for another dr but he came in and was super nice so I decided to give him a second shot. I was dilated at a 3 cm and they admitted me. Got hooked up to the Iv thing and just chilled in the room. I wimped out and got the epidural at 1pm. The guy had a trainee watching him do it and he did it twice. The anesthesiologist was awesome but he didn't tell me what was happening as he did the epidural. I was contracting and he put the needle in all the way, just to take it out and put in a whole new needle that was longer. Hurt like CRAZY but once it was in and running, I was in heaven. They checked me at 3 and I was 7 cm and 0 station. I was sooo happy cause I didn't dilate half that fast with the other two. I started feeling like I needed to push around 4 but I didn't want to actually push so I didn't tell anyone. lol The nurse came in at about 5 and I told him the pushing thing was getting stronger. He checked me and Matteo was about 2 in from coming out. He left for a few min, came back and had me do a trail push. Baby moved even lower so he ran to get the dr. He came back with another nurse and they told me to do another trial push. I pushed for about 6 min and his head came out. They made me sit there with his head half way out so they could grab the doctor. Aarfa came in and I pushed once and he was born. Easiest labor ever. Started at 5:20 am and I had him at 5:19 pm. He got a freakin TEN on the APGAR :D Absolutely perfect. I started nursing him about an hour after labor cause it was freezing and I couldn't stop shaking. So far, breastfeeding is a success and he is an angel. Definitely a good baby. He barely cries and when he does, it only lasts about a min. He has sucked his thumb and he does really well with the pacifier. We try not to give it to him to much though. Every dr/nurse who would come into our room would comment how good he was. I'm soo happy not to be pregnant and I'm already in love :) We got out of the hospital at about 7:30pm on the 24th. They got us out of there fast. He had an apt today and no jaundice or anything. Ryker calls him the "little baby" or "Tayo" and Jaidyn is still pretty sick so he's not to aware of it yet. So far, so good. Thanks so much for all the congrats! I'm still kind of out of it so if you want to see him, just let us know a head of time.

Rykers Birth Story - Again, copied from my myspace

For me personally, I love hearing other people's birth stories so I figure I would write mine out. At least for me :) Feel free to ask any questions if you have any. I know this pregnancy thing can be crazy..

- My LMP was March 7, 2008
- I found out I was pregnant at the end of April 2008 due Dec.12
- In around June/July found out it was a boy and that I had pregnancy  pre-hypertension.
- October we had a 3D ultrasound done and found out it was a girl at 32 weeks. We went back the same week and the confirmed it was a girl again.
- November I had a routine ultrasound done and they confirmed it was a boy again.
- November I went in for another appointment and the doctor did an ultrasound and said it was a boy. (about 35/36 weeks)
- November appointment we set up for me to be induced on December 5(39 weeks on the dot) because the were worried things would get bad if I continued the pregnancy with pre-hypertension(even though my blood pressure was fine and I hadn't had signs of pre-hypertension since June...) and because I had gotten pre-eclampsia with Jaidyn.
- December 5th I go in to be induced at about 12pm and they say I shouldn't even be getting induced.
Ok, now mind you, I had seen just about a different doctor every time I went in and they all said something different. I had seen the one who diagnosed me with pre-hypertension several times so I listened to her. She was not at the hospital when I went in and the lady who said I shouldn't be there was a midwife so I was a little skeptical. I went in to a different doctor the week before and he said that I should still be induced just to be safe(of course he thought I had pre-hypertension). The whole pre-hypertension was due to faulty equipment on there part. I had my blood pressure tested by the machine(which made it higher then it was) and by hand(which was fine). Anywho, she talked to another doctor and they said I could be induced but I didn't have to be. I had planned on being induced, Zach took work off, and Jaidyn's was at a friend's house so this was all kind of pissing me off. I thought that something was there that wasn't and they shouldn't have messed with my mind. I went with my original doctor's opinion and decided to be induced. I was 39 weeks so I wasn't really putting me or the baby at risk and I wanted to be safe rather then sorry.
So, we came back at 7 pm that day and they got me in a room and put an IV in(which after I had the baby, moved into the wrong vain and made my hand blow up like a balloon..). I was already 1 cm dilated but not effaced so they started me a Cervidil. They checked me at 12pm and since nothing changed they put in a balloon catheter to help me dilate quicker. That thing was a pain but after it fell out I was 3-4 cm dilated and more effaced. After that they broke my water and put me on Pitocin. That didn't help much and by noon on the 6th I was still not much more dilated. I had now been through 2-3 different doctors and a bunch of nurses. At about 3pm they decided to put in an internal monitor to see how my contractions were. I wasn't happy about that at all and I asked them to take it out about an hour after they put it in. I could feel the baby playing with it and it hurt like heck. By this time I was pissed off that I had been in labor for almost 24 hours and nothing was happening. They weren't listening to me and the doctor wouldn't even come talk to me about taking it out. He had nurses come tell me that he wouldn't. I had gotten the epidural done a few hours earlier and it started wearing off about this time so the guy came back and gave me an extra dosage. The doctor came in to check and tell me who the new doctor on call was (a family practice doctor...not even an OBGYN!). I was at about 7-8 cm and he told me it would be soon. This is about 5:30. A few minutes after he checked me I had a huge urge to push so I had Zach go get the nurse. He check me and I guess I dilated allot more but I wasn't thinned out enough for the baby to be able to fit through. They told me to wait it out but I kept feeling like I had to push so they told me to try it. I did but nothing happened so they tried to push the cervix out of the way so they could get the head through better. That didn't work either so they told me to still wait it out. I am about ready to kill someone by now. I have had so many people shoving things up places they don't need to be and I am hurting like none other. I swear the epidural only made my stomach and my legs numb cause I could feel EVERYTHING. So, I tried not to push but ended up pushing anyways with the nurse. Now, I had Zach, a guy nurse, and a guy doctor. The doctor didn't even come in until about 2 hours after pushing when the baby's head started to pop out. I was so upset that the doctor wasn't there throughout the pushing because Jaidyn's doctor didn't make it there in time. Needless to say I wasn't at all happy with any of the doctors but he's here. The doctor announced it was a boy and we were thrilled! Ryker Frank Griffin was born at 7:35 pm on December 6th, 2008. He was wide awake and scored a 9 on the APGAR test(which is perfect). He weighed 6pounds 12 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. He was perfect and even shocked the pediatrician with how alert he was. I am definitely waiting till we get back to the states for another one. I've got two beautiful boys and its going to stay that way for a while..or so we hope ;)

Jaidyn's Birth Story

This was copied from my myspace. I wrote it a long time ago but here it is. Jaidyn's birth story :)

I love pregnancy stories and now i finally have one!! so, you don't have to read it but it's so i don't forget lol

Friday may 25th i went in for three different doctor's appointments. at 11 was my ultrasound, 12:30 was an NST (where they monitor the baby for a half an hour), and at 1:15 was my doctor's appointment. zach's dad had to take me and drop me off cause zach had the car. the ultrasound was fine and then i had to wait an eternity for the next appointment. the nst went well and then they had me wait a while longer before my doctor's appointment. for my doctor's appointment the nurse checked my blood pressure and it was really high(it hadn't been high throughout the other part of the pregnancy) and i had high levels of protein. the nurse said i would probably be having my baby that weekend. I had to wait for the doctor to come back to tell me what was going on cause he was at a c-section. so i sat there for another hour or so trying to stay calm for my blood pressure but wondering what the heck was going on. i called zach and told him he'd probably need to pick me up. lol the doctor finally came and said i needed to go straight to the hospital. all the while they are telling me to stay calm..right!! i get to the hospital and they do a 24 hour test to watch the protein levels. the higher it gets the worse it is for me and the baby. they also checked my blood pressure every two hours. whohoo. fun stuff. i had my blood drawn every so often and so i got no sleep the first night. the doctor came in the next day around 4 PM and said i would probably get to go home that day only to come back two minutes later and tell me she thought i was someone else. i was staying there until he was delivered.  they did another 12 hour test and my protein levels went up even higher so they decided to induce me. monday at about 10 they gave me a pill to induce me. four hours later i wasn't dilated at all. they did another one and four hours later i was about 1 cent. 4 hours later nothing changed so they put me on an iv with magnesium to help lower my blood pressure and pitocin for the inducement. i was so tired monday night that i got an epiderel so i could sleep. zach about passed out when they did it but it really wasn't that bad. my water broke on its own that night. tuesday morning at about 10am i was 3 cent. so they said they'd wait a while longer but we'd probably need a c-section cause mine and the baby's blood pressure was now to low and he wasn't handling everything well. i took a nap and they woke me up to check again at 12. i was 10 cent. and had him 29 minutes later.they messed things up with my doctor though and he only delivered the placenta. another doctor delivered the baby cause he came so fast. it was an experience alright. i was in the hospital 4 days after and he was in it for 10 days. he was 4lbs. 12 ozs and 18 1/2 inches long. brown hair. blue eyes. he's definitely a fighter though. so...that's my story. now baby's crying and i am needed. cio!