January

There are several months that are a little tougher for me. January, April, and June/July. We ended up losing twins in 2006 and those months still haunt me. We started dating and found out we were pregnant in March/April. I find out later then normal when I'm pregnant. I was about 6 weeks when I found out.

Needless to say, there was a lot of drama and not a whole lot of support. Zach and I had talked about having kids a lot. We both wanted a lot of kids and we both wanted them while we were younger. Ok, but not that young or quick. I was 18 and he just turned 20. I had a sense I was pregnant but he made me wait a few weeks to get a test. It came up positive right away.

We had a wonderful midwife and got to see the baby. A few weeks later I started bleeding pretty bad. It was uncontrollable and one of the worst things I've ever been through. Just to sit there and know you can't stop it is a horrible feeling. I was about 8 weeks. We went for a follow up apt and found out I was still pregnant. It was twins and I had just lost one.

Its hard to explain how that felt. On one hand, it was awesome to know I was still pregnant but it still sucked we lost one. Its hard to morn when you have to be strong for the other one.

So, we continued on with life and a wedding. I was told I may start bleeding again to finish flushing out the first baby but not to worry. When we were on our honey moon, I felt like crap the whole time. I was sick and felt horrible. When we got home, I started bleeding again. I didn't think anything of it until one night when we went to the Dollar Theater and I saw the shape of a baby and eyes (I was about 13 weeks). It looked just like in the pictures of a baby growing. I tried to ignore it, flushed the toilet, and went on thinking I was pregnant.

For our next apt, she couldn't find the heart beat and said to go to the hospital for a DNC or just wait it out. I didn't want to wait and dread losing another baby. I wanted it over with. We went to the hospital, waited for about 4-6 hours, just for them to do a quick ultrasound and say that it was already completely gone.

I am completely open about this and talk about it a lot. Some people don't understand and the typical reaction is to be a little stand offish. Its totally understandable. Its hard to know how to talk to someone who's gone through it but it really is nice when someone listens. I think that's the best thing you can do to show support. Zach and I had just gotten married before the second miscarriage and it took us a long time to deal with it together. It hurt him just as much as it hurt me and it took me a while to see that.

It was all a big whammy. Moving out, getting pregnant, getting married...A lot of my friends turned their backs. I get it. I even turned my back on myself once. I hate how the one time I needed my friends, and they weren't there for me. I can count on maybe a hand who was there for me. It hurts. Still hurts sometimes. No one should have to go through that, let alone by themselves. Just because your friend is doing something you don't always agree with doesn't mean you should shun them. At least it doesn't to me. I feel like if you know someone is being stupid, tell them why you don't agree with it, but then that should be it. Its ultimately their decision and you can't control it. The same thing goes for gay people in my opinion. I am a Christian but I am not going to shun you if you're gay. One of my closest co-workers at Mervyns was gay. He was awesome! My theory is if Christians push people out who are different or not doing what we want them to do, then who is going to witness to them? For me, that just makes you look to good for anyone. Anyway, that can be a topic for another day.

Ultimately it was a hard point in my life. No matter when you think life starts, I believe it starts at conception. I may not have lost them further along, but they're still my babies and will forever hold a part of my heart. I pray God's holding them for me every day. That is one way that helps me get through it. They would have been 6 this January. Yes, seeing other people with twins hurts. I don't blame them and I know its not to spite me but you still get into the whole "why weren't my babies good enough to be born" or "would they have been alive if i had done ___". Now I know that I'm RH Negative and it could have caused the second baby to die. We'll never know and I will never lose their memory. I will share my story and if you're my friend, then you should understand that it helps me to talk about it. I will forever be grateful to those who stood by me through it all. I know a lot of other people who have been through miscarriages also and I like how my story gets to help others. It may not have been what we wanted but it has made us stronger and it does make us appreciate our other children more.