Spoiler alert

I made the mistake of watching the finale for 19 kids and counting today. I knew she lost the baby and I guess I just felt like maybe it would be good for me to watch it somehow. Two hours of bawling like a baby later...it really makes me realize that although I'm still upset by the loss of my twins, I am so thankful I lost them before i could hold them. The thought of carrying a baby for several months, thinking you're past the point of worry, and then having to deliver a lifeless baby into the world way before its due (or even close to due date) would kill me. Watching her go through all that is heart wrenching and my heart breaks for her. No matter how many kids you have or what your views on her are, no one should have to go through that. The way she turned it around and was able to still say "blessed be the Lord", is baffling to me. I was definitely not in that state of mind and I admire her for that. Trying to find the good in every situation is definitely hard. I feel bad for everyone who has gone through that no matter how early or late they were in the pregnancy. It's a horrible experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Bla Bla Bla

As I've said in earlier blogs, it is so weird being back in the States and it not feeling like home anymore. We went to Colorado to visit for the past 2 weeks and it was like a huge slap in the face. Jaidyn got really bad dry skin on his lip and hand, Matteo got some really bad rashes, Ryker and I had allergies, and it was just a little uncomfortable. My home is not there anymore. It was wonderful seeing family and friends but its nice being back home. As weird as it is to call Texas home, it is. My hardest part with all of this is figuring out where I belong. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm just kind of in a rut right now and it stinks. I'm almost 25 and still trying to find my place. I thought I would have it all down by now. In high school, I had my whole life planned out..Or so I thought. I'm not friends with half the people I was friends with in school and even the churches I grew up in are completely different. I guess I just assumed everything would stand still while we were in Okinawa..lol Yes, I know the world does not revolve around me ;)

As you should know, I am adopted. I got to see my birth mom and half sister one day and even that was weird. She brought her boyfriend and it was a little uncomfortable. I haven't seen my mom or sister since we went to Okinawa..about 4 years ago. 4 years ago she was married to my sister's dad. I have 3 sisters. 1 adopted and 2 half sisters. Me and my half sisters each have a different dad. I did get close to her last husband and it is a little hard to move on to another guy. I'm sorry, but I probably won't even make an effort until she's married again (if she gets married). Plus, this trip, I really wanted to talk to her about my dad. I'm still yet to know his name. I do have a picture but I'm not sure if he's really my dad or if there is going to be a multiple choice. I feel like she's with holding information from me and it hurts. I probably won't even talk to the guy but it would be nice to have his info in case I did want to meet him or look him up. He doesn't even know I exist from what I know so that would be an interesting meeting. I already have a bunch of parents who are disappointed in me so why add another one?

Melody, me, and my birth mom

Melody and I

I am going back and forth on running for something in my spouse's club here. I was nominated for secretary but I think I may go for vice president. I'm not sure if I have the time or if I could do it period, but I really think I need to do something to boost my self-confidence. I'm just so worried about screwing everything up. Zach is completely supportive and wants me to do it. We'll see!

Zach and I have been trying for another baby since September. The longest it has taken us to conceive before this was maybe 4 months. I just stopped breastfeeding Matteo about 2 weeks ago so I'm hoping everything will get back on track and it won't be much longer but it is becoming very stressful. I am very excited for all my friends who are getting pregnant but it does hurt a little bit. I know, I already have 3 kids but we want a big family. We know we are no were near done. Each kid is exciting to us and it is a disappointment that its taking so long. I have decided that since I'm done breastfeeding, I'm just going to focus on losing weight (we have an exercise bike and a weight bench/set) and if I get pregnant then yay. I just need a break.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to drop off Facebook for a bit and take a break. I figure if you really want to talk to me, you would already have my phone number or email. I'll try to keep up with the blogs though. Facebook is getting old and I feel like I'm missing out on life by obsessing over it. I love it for keeping in touch and pictures, but I need a break. To much drama.

Anyway, not much else to report. Just trying to figure out where my place is in life and trying to focus a bit more on myself. I'm constantly taking care of everyone else and now I am trying to figure out what I need to do for me. I am trying to get back into my doula program and finish that then maybe I'll go to school for nursing. Wish me luck :D

Live and Learn

Over the past few months, I've had a few things really hit me.

1 - I need to stop obsessing with yesterday or I'll miss out on today. Seems simple enough but sometimes its hard to remember. We get so caught up on what happened before that it consumes our life. I was going to vent about a few things the other day and then I realized that in order to move on, I just need to drop it. It happened, learn from it and move on.

2 - I am old. LOL I think since I went straight from living with parents to moving in with my husband, I have a little bit of a harder time growing up. I never got that "college period" or time to myself before diving into a marriage. I didn't get the clubbing days and I still haven't been to a real club. Unless Cowboys counts. I didn't even go to my graduation. It makes it a little bit harder to grow up.

3 - I can not please everyone. I am a people pleaser. I have an incredibly hard time saying no and I love helping people out. With that comes a lot of weight on my shoulders. I can not always be the perfect wife, friend, housekeeper, mother, daughter, cousin..etc. I need to give up my "I can do it all and everyone will love me" mentality and try to find myself under all this mess.

4 - It is not just my responsibility to keep in touch. Being friends or having any sort of relationship is a two way street. You can't expect either to do all the work. By being a military spouse, it's makes it a little tougher. I have friends in a lot of different states and countries. I'm also trying to establish a new life here. I have some really close friends who have stuck by me through it all and I will forever be grateful.

5 - Kids grow up fast! I need to stop obsessing about having a girl or our future and make memories NOW. I've missed out on so much by being pregnant or obsessing about being pregnant and now I just want to enjoy the children in front of me (as I'm writing a stupid blog...GO ME! lol). I've really tried to make it a point to make sure each child gets one on one and feels special. I can not believe how big they're getting and I don't want to miss out on anything!

6 - Colorado is not my home anymore. Coming back from Okinawa, I was soo excited to be home. Now I'm beginning to realize that my home is wherever my family is. I don't know a lot of people in Colorado anymore and a lot of them have moved on too. Its a part of growing up.

7 - Family is everything. My family is what makes or breaks me. They have the power to build me up or tear me down. In that sense, so do I. I need to try to be more patient and watch what I say.

8 - I'm afraid of churches. I have grown a huge fear of churches and I'm beginning to see that its not really the church but the people in the churches. I'm afraid of rejection and judgment. I know I need to get over my fear and just go. Hopefully one day my kids will finally not have the forever cold anymore and we can check out some places. I do however, love my Bible study and I'm so glad I joined it.

9 - Not everyone is bad or out to get you. Plus, I do not need to be friend with everyone. My husband told me that and I think I really needed to hear that.

10 - Someone will always have it worse off then you. When you think your day is bad, remember that someone else is going through the same thing if not worse. I've seen a lot of shows, friends, family going through some hard situations and I'm so grateful my family is healthy and financially secure :)


All in all, its just some stuff I've been thinking about or working on :)