Bla Bla Bla

As I've said in earlier blogs, it is so weird being back in the States and it not feeling like home anymore. We went to Colorado to visit for the past 2 weeks and it was like a huge slap in the face. Jaidyn got really bad dry skin on his lip and hand, Matteo got some really bad rashes, Ryker and I had allergies, and it was just a little uncomfortable. My home is not there anymore. It was wonderful seeing family and friends but its nice being back home. As weird as it is to call Texas home, it is. My hardest part with all of this is figuring out where I belong. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm just kind of in a rut right now and it stinks. I'm almost 25 and still trying to find my place. I thought I would have it all down by now. In high school, I had my whole life planned out..Or so I thought. I'm not friends with half the people I was friends with in school and even the churches I grew up in are completely different. I guess I just assumed everything would stand still while we were in Okinawa..lol Yes, I know the world does not revolve around me ;)

As you should know, I am adopted. I got to see my birth mom and half sister one day and even that was weird. She brought her boyfriend and it was a little uncomfortable. I haven't seen my mom or sister since we went to Okinawa..about 4 years ago. 4 years ago she was married to my sister's dad. I have 3 sisters. 1 adopted and 2 half sisters. Me and my half sisters each have a different dad. I did get close to her last husband and it is a little hard to move on to another guy. I'm sorry, but I probably won't even make an effort until she's married again (if she gets married). Plus, this trip, I really wanted to talk to her about my dad. I'm still yet to know his name. I do have a picture but I'm not sure if he's really my dad or if there is going to be a multiple choice. I feel like she's with holding information from me and it hurts. I probably won't even talk to the guy but it would be nice to have his info in case I did want to meet him or look him up. He doesn't even know I exist from what I know so that would be an interesting meeting. I already have a bunch of parents who are disappointed in me so why add another one?

Melody, me, and my birth mom

Melody and I

I am going back and forth on running for something in my spouse's club here. I was nominated for secretary but I think I may go for vice president. I'm not sure if I have the time or if I could do it period, but I really think I need to do something to boost my self-confidence. I'm just so worried about screwing everything up. Zach is completely supportive and wants me to do it. We'll see!

Zach and I have been trying for another baby since September. The longest it has taken us to conceive before this was maybe 4 months. I just stopped breastfeeding Matteo about 2 weeks ago so I'm hoping everything will get back on track and it won't be much longer but it is becoming very stressful. I am very excited for all my friends who are getting pregnant but it does hurt a little bit. I know, I already have 3 kids but we want a big family. We know we are no were near done. Each kid is exciting to us and it is a disappointment that its taking so long. I have decided that since I'm done breastfeeding, I'm just going to focus on losing weight (we have an exercise bike and a weight bench/set) and if I get pregnant then yay. I just need a break.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to drop off Facebook for a bit and take a break. I figure if you really want to talk to me, you would already have my phone number or email. I'll try to keep up with the blogs though. Facebook is getting old and I feel like I'm missing out on life by obsessing over it. I love it for keeping in touch and pictures, but I need a break. To much drama.

Anyway, not much else to report. Just trying to figure out where my place is in life and trying to focus a bit more on myself. I'm constantly taking care of everyone else and now I am trying to figure out what I need to do for me. I am trying to get back into my doula program and finish that then maybe I'll go to school for nursing. Wish me luck :D