A Hard Goodbye

Today I’m going to take a break from foster stuff and go more towards military life. Oh, yeah! I’m a military wife on top of all the other crap 😝 talk about overload, that’s the definition of military life. The constant unknowns, leaving at the drop of a dime, making friends who become family insanely fast, losing those friends insanely fast,  moving so often that your kids start asking when you’re moving again every 1 1/2 years, TDYs, deployments, hurry up and wait, recalls, countless acronyms, TriCare, evacuations, TMO, having your personal goods lost in transit, missed birthdays/anniversaries/funerals/holidays, etc. Zach joined the military after we’d been married for a year. Jaidyn was only a few month old when he went to basic. We went through everything together. Or he went through it and I supported him. Actually, I was tired of the inconsistency of retail jobs and begged him to get more stability for our family. The military seemed like a good option. Ha what a roller coaster that has been! We’ve known so many military couples who have been married, divorced, and remarried during our own marriage. We know people that has happened to outside the military as well, but it’s extremely common for divorce within the military. 

I’ve even known of people getting sent on a “tdy” to be by a mistress. Zach has gone drinking with a coworker who invited 2 girls and tried to hook him up. He’s been asked if he’s “happily” married by coworkers. The “what happens on a tdy/deployment, stays there” is a thing with a lot of military members. I’ve heard of military spouses leaving a broom on their porch to say they’re “available”.  I could go on and on. Anyway, ultimately, it’s extremely hard to stay married within the military lifestyle. They’re all about “family”, but it’s more geared towards your coworker family and not spouse. 

Zach and I have been through a ton within his time in the military. He’s gone on a ton of TDYs and 2 deployments. The first deployment I found out I was pregnant (Skylar) 2 weeks after he left and the second time he got malaria and almost died. I had the car show up at my house with his first shirt and boss and almost had a heart attack. Both times, I was in a different state then family and mainly by myself. That’s when your friends who become family really step up. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for them. 

You get used to being alone but that doesn’t make it easy. I can handle it, but that separation is awful and the comments you get while your spouse is gone can be very hurtful. Especially the “you knew it was coming”. Or that’s what you get when you’re a military spouse. Or the one uppers who “have had it worse”. It’s like a constant competition instead of just being there for each other. You know people will die eventually, but it still sucks when they do. Plus, the kids don’t fully get it. You have to live life as normal even though it’s far from it. It’s hard and we should be allowed to vent without criticism. Life isn’t always happy go lucky and we need a space to be down. Especially when we’ve been “positive” all day for the kids. Complaining for 2 seconds on fb, doesn’t mean we’re just sitting around moping forever. 

I have major separation anxiety. I blame it on being adopted. I hate people leaving and I separate myself from people when I feel like they are leaving me or going to leave me. It takes a conscious effort on my part not to do that when I realize it’s happening. That makes it hard for me to have relationships with my grandma or Zach when I know he’s going away. It also makes it hard in the foster world when I feel like I’m losing them. I am more emotional anyway, and I do feel things deeply. 

This last year has been a lot. We have been dealing with a lot with foster care, the kids, and military stuff on top of all the COVID crap we’re all dealing with. Before the corona virus became a thing, zach was going to a lot of doctors for his back, leg, and lung stuff. We’ve been told before that they were going to med-board him, but it never came about or we’d move and have to start the process all over again. This last year, they were really pushing to medically retire him. We thought he’d be out of the military by September 2020 and I’d become the bread winner. I was going to go to college and he’d stay with the kids or work part time as a contractor for the base. He was already getting offers for jobs if it came to that. What would happen changed constantly, but I’ve put my wants on hold for the military for so long that I was actually kind of excited to have the option to do something. Clinics closed and everything continuously got pushed off. He ranked up and wasn’t complaining because the longer he’s active duty, the longer it’s more consistent for our family in the midst of all the crazy. I was kind of annoyed because my goals got pushed off again, but at this point, I’m used to it. 

The week of Thanksgiving, we found out that he’s tasked to go to Korea for a year. If you’ve ever been a part of the military world, you know how dreaded those words are. We thought he was done with leaving and deployments, but now he’s leaving in July for the longest separation we’ve been through at one time. I know I’m not the only spouse who has had to deal with this or who is going to deal with this, but it sucks. I’m not handling it well and I’m really having a hard time with it. Not only do we have our bio kids to think about, but who knows where we’ll be at with our foster situation and it’s a lot for me to think about handling on my own. I’m not sure if we’ll renew our license, but we will get to that when we get there. This is the first time I’ve been around family while Zachs away, but I’m still 30-45 minutes away from everyone and I’ll be on my own yet again. 

I’m tired of the ups and downs. I’m tired of thinking I know where my life is going and getting a shift. I don’t handle change well and it’s like an unending game in my life. I don’t need to be told to take it day by day. I will and I know I’ll be ok, but right now I’m not. Right now I’m thinking about how next year he won’t be home for Christmas. Right now I’m thinking about how much it’s going to kill my kids when we tell them (which we won’t until July, they don’t need that stress). Right now I’m thinking of the things he’ll miss. Right now I’m terrified what crazy event will happen while he’s gone. Right now I’m questioning if I can handle farm life by myself. Right now it’s hard and it sucks. I know I’m blessed beyond measure that he has a job and that we are near family, but it doesn’t make it any easier to be separated from your husband for so long. 

Please be kind and hug a military spouse or give them some encouragement from 6 feet apart if you see one ❤️ 

Ruby

This is the story of our second permanent placement. Her real name isn’t Ruby but that’s what she asked us to call her. September 27, 2019 we got that call. The one we’d been anticipating and waiting for. We did a lot of respite in between our first placements leaving, but we were dying for a permanent placement. 

One thing we have been passionate about since getting into foster care is sibling groups and first reserve kids. We want to help the kids who are typically overlooked or help kids not be separated. First reserves is mainly for  older kids and those kids who require extra or may be “harder” cases. Sometimes it’s even for kids who they couldn’t find an initial home for and they kind of get lost in the system and group homes. Or for kids who’ve been in residential treatment. We know it’s a lot, but our family was ready and willing. 

Anyway, we/I got that call. It was for a 15 year old girl who was living with family in a car. Her nephews and nieces were also in the system. Her bio dropped her off at residential because the school said she was having suicidal thoughts and CPS took over. They had little to no information but we said yes. We were in the process of trying to get another girl who was in group homes and had similar behaviors so we were ready. We did have a ton of plans for the weekend, but the caseworker got everything approved and we were good to go. 

She immediately told us her story within being at our house for maybe 5 minutes. We fell in love with her fast and she was immediately family. She asked us to call her Ruby because her real name was from a brother who abused her. Lots of trauma and bad experiences with men. She also had a really bad relationship with her mom which made our relationship a roller coaster. She needed a dad and a good mother relationship so we did whatever she needed. She demanded a ton of attention and we obliged. The first few weeks were a lot of LONG night talks or talking her down from her depression. Like her laying on the floor and me telling her how loved she was or making her list things she liked about herself. These sessions lasted for hours and it was typically me and Zach while the other kids were forced in the living room. My kids are seriously amazing. They are the perfect example of grace and loved her like crazy. We all loved her. We still do.

It started to get bad after about a month. We started trying to set boundaries because the other kids needed us too and she wouldn’t have it. She started being aggressive to the kids and especially to me. She would throw rocks at the kids and threw a giant snowball at Matteo’s face. She also poured water in the front walk way so she “could watch people fall”. 

I went from being her best friend to her enemy. All the hate she had for her mom, poured onto me and I took it. It got so bad that I’d have to hide in my room when she was home. She tried to get the kids to turn on me too. She would tell them the password to stuff was “mom sucks” and she was constantly trying to get the older boys in trouble. She was very verbally abusive and I was called a “b” almost daily.

It also started getting to the point where she was trying to take my place in the relationship. She tried to put zach against me (which worked) and she’d constantly wedge herself between us. She had a cartoon picture drawn of our family and she put me and zach as different characters from different shows but her and zach in the same cartoon family. I had a friend who saw them at the dentist and she said it looked like she was his girlfriend. I’m jealous, that’s no secret, but this was legit happening and I know it comes from how she was raised. It wasn’t her fault, she really didn’t know any better. Zach sees it now, but he didn’t see how bad it was when it was happening. He was innocent to it all and really just wanted a relationship with her like he has with Skylar but it’s very different with a traumatized 15 year old vs an innocent 7 year old. 

She LOVED Matteo the most and they got along pretty well. She loved Skylar too but she really didn’t know how to be a big sister. She hated how innocent our kids were and I think she was jealous they were sheltered and not exposed to stuff she’d been exposed to since an extremely young age. She went from being the youngest of 4 to being the oldest of 4 other kids.We were originally told she had a great relationship with her nephews and nieces but we found out later that her sister and nephews/nieces wanted nothing to do with her. Through all of this, she’d constantly ask us to adopt her or for a pet of her own. She wanted to be a part of our family and we really wanted her to be a part of our family too. 

She was a cutter and we had to file a lot of incident reports. She didn’t understand what she was doing and almost immediately after doing stuff she’d talk about other things or treat it like a joke. She’d also tell us when she’d cut herself but preface with “this has nothing to do with you but..”. It all broke my heart and we tried so hard to make it work. We got her involved with the school, we took her to say goodbye to her old school that she was obsessed with, we let her hang out with her friends, she joined cheerleading and we were at every game, she had multiple boyfriends, she had her phone, we took her to weekly counseling, we took her to court even though I didn’t think it was a good idea, she shaved her head and we supported her, we included her in everything and treated her like family. We loved her and we tried. Oh how we tried to make it work. 

We asked for help and kept getting pushed off. We were constantly told help was coming but it never came. We told them she had sociopathic tendencies and no one believed us. We told people we didn’t feel our kids or myself were safe with her, and no one listened. She helped make coffee at our support meetings and I couldn’t drink it because I was afraid she’d put stuff in my coffee that she knows I can’t have. I always felt like she needed to be an only child or with a single parent who could give her that attention she craved. 

We did put in our notice with her but she didn’t know that. That was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make but the whole relationship was getting extremely toxic very fast. 

The end of November, I was babysitting for church and had everyone but Ruby and Jaidyn with me. Zach was home with them. They had crossroads (like a youth group) after school and then zach would pick them up while I was gone. When he picked them up, Ruby told him how her friend from Florida had just committed suicide. He told her how awful that was and kind of left it alone. When they got home something happened and she said she may as well go kill herself. She’s made comments before and we let her cool off, so he left her alone a minute then went to check on her. When he went in her room she was in the process of cutting herself extremely deep. Thank God he was smart and able to stop the bleeding, but it was bad. He called the caseworker and she told him where to take her. Jaidyn had no clue all of this was going on and stayed home since I was maybe 20 minutes from the house and on my way home. All I remember is zach telling me something happened and he was taking Ruby to the hospital. I had no clue what or how bad it was but I was freaking out. He wrote me at 8pm and I didn’t hear from him again until 2am. We had been trying to get her into a program for help since we got her and no one listened. When zach took her to the hospital, people FINALLY started to see what we were talking about. They had 3 counselors talk to her and in between talking to them, she’d ask zach when they were going home or if she could have sex with her boyfriend. She was completely delusional and didn’t understand the severity of it at all. 

She was committed and we were originally told she’d only be there 2-3 days, then she’d come back to us. Since we had put in our notice, they asked if we could take her back while they’d  try to get her a different family. She needed some intense therapy so we were hoping she’d get a new family who’d help her through it. The caseworker is the one who said she was getting released but the counselor said she needed serious help and would be there at least 60 days. They did end up finding her another home outside our foster agency and we do still think about her daily. I hope that she’s getting the help she needs and that they are finally taking her seriously. She has texted us and asked us to adopt her still, but she was not a good fit for our family and she deserves us to have enough love to say she needs something different then us. We’ve told her we’re still here for her and we love her, but there has to be some serious boundaries. Our kids explained how traumatic that situation was to our home supervisor when we renewed our license and it makes my heart hurt a bit that they witnessed so much in such a short time. They’re stronger for it though and we will forever love her and pray for her. In all of this, we learned a ton and we are still open for older kids. She forever has a place in our hearts and I really hope we had at least a little bit of a positive impact in her life. 

Our First

One of the things that’s hard about foster care is not being able to share all the stories. You can’t share pictures and get criticism for sharing pictures with their faces crossed out. Believe me when I say, I’d LOVE to share their adorable faces and my phone is filled with pictures of every child who has stepped foot in our house. We even have some professional pictures done of our entire family with our foster kids. Our children call them all their brothers or sisters no matter how long they’re with us. They’re our family and it’s hard not to show them off. I’m going to try to share our experiences and some stories, but don’t ask for more details because I can’t share it. I won’t share names, but use an initial. Their stories need to be shared and I think it’ll help to explain some of what we’ve dealt with.  

So, like I said, we didn’t know we were licensed until we got our first call for a placement. We have the placement number on speed dial and your heart skips a beat whenever she calls. It always starts with a “hi, how are you” and you almost immediately say yes because you know why she’s calling. Anyway, I had surgery the beginning of July and was maybe 1 or 2 weeks post op. Zach was home and he got the call. She told us we were licensed and asked zach if we’d take 3 kids. They were associated with the military and they thought we’d be a good fit. Zach said he’d call her back (a big no no!) and ask me first since I just had surgery. I immediately said yes and why the heck wouldn’t he automatically say yes! Ha He called her back and they’d already found another home. Ok cool, not meant to be and now we always immediately say yes. He knows I will and they typically call me first, but he got it that time since I was in recovery. Fast forward maybe 2 weeks and we get another call. This time it’s for 2 boys from a reservation. We were warned about how complicated dealing with the reservation stuff could be but said yes immediately. They had been sitting at DHS for several hours and apparently the reservation didn’t want them with the reservation because of their situation. The bio parent had tried to shoot her boyfriend while the kids were in the car and was going to jail for a while. We weren’t told if he died or not but it didn’t sound good. They knew nothing about family and they had nowhere to go. They also said they were coming with their puppy if we were ok with it. Duh, yes! We want them all! They were close to our 2 youngest bio’s age and my heart broke for them. Apparently it was a domestic abuse situation and I really believe she felt like she had no way out. It wasn’t handled right, but my heart still goes out to her. When they pulled up to my house I met them outside. They looked sooo tiny and my heart melted. The younger one took to us immediately but the older one had a harder time with me. He’d always talk about his mom and you could tell they loved her. We NEVER made them feel bad for talking about her and I never tried to take her place. I gave him his space and he needed Zach. He had a mom but he needed a dad and Zach stepped in. While they were with us they asked how we could love them and we said we’d been praying for them since before they came to us. We still love them and I’m getting choked up just thinking about them. Those boys had my heart the second I heard about them. Anyway, their mom spilled info about family when she got to jail and an Aunt popped up in New Mexico who wanted them. As hard as it was, I 100% believe they needed her and they are where they need to be. I never thought I’d feel like that but N was having a really hard time with the language barrier and he needed to be on a reservation with people who understood his culture. Q adjusted extremely well and I think they both would have adjusted but they needed family and I felt at peace with the situation. We had them a week and I will never stop praying for them or thinking about them. I remember the day they came and I remember the day they left so vividly. Zach came with me to take them to the agency to drop them off with their Aunt, cousins, and grandpa. We got to meet everyone and it felt right. The boys were extremely comfortable with all of them and it was an easy transition for them. We balled in the car but were able to keep it positive around the boys. They were nervous driving into town and we just kept talking about the positives or how great their aunt seemed. Saying goodbye was awful and we haven’t heard anything about them since. They did take their puppy too which made me happy. Everything in the car was evidence (and all they had) so they came with maybe one outfit each from DHS and their puppy. He’s all they had and I’m so glad they had him and each other. That was our first experience with foster care and definitely a lot for a first. You normally don’t get a NICWA case but we’re the kind of people who get the crazy cases. This is one of those cases where I truly believe it worked out for the best, but I’d do anything to hear how they are ❤️

Our Journey To Foster Care

I know I talk about this all the time, but I was adopted as an infant. My sister was also adopted as an infant. Adoption has always played a huge role in my life and I have always wanted to get involved in foster care or adoption. I NEVER thought I could handle foster care. I was afraid I’d get too attached and not be able to handle giving them back. We have actually been to several orientations on foster care but something always came up. In Texas we went to one but they were so big on kin placement and it didn’t feel right. In Florida we actually had an appointment for an orientation with Bethany (the same company my sister was adopted through!) the week we were evacuated for the hurricane. When we got to Colorado, you’d think adoption/foster care would be the last thing on our minds but everything lined up. My sister’s church kind of sponsored our family during our displacement and we got involved with the church fast. They were doing a Christmas party for foster families of a foster agency they supported and we decided to volunteer to help. It was so hard not to fall for these kids FAST! One of the girls (maybe 7) told me that she used to be sisters with another girl but now she’s sisters with another family. Hearing these kids stories broke my heart. One of the girls clung to me the entire night and my heart melted. I talked to Zach and we agreed to write the agency for more info. Beth called us maybe an hour after sending the message and had us come in the very next day for an interview. It all fell into place soo fast and just felt right. We were approved to start the process of training in January but pushed it off to February to get settled into our house. We were evacuated from Florida in October 2018, moved into our house the end of December, and started the foster care education classes in February. When I say it was fast, it was fast. Classes went until April or May and then we had our home study. We didn’t know we were approved until they called us in July for a placement. We were officially foster parents the end of June. We are a foster and adoptive home. In this all, the kids were 100% on board. We talked with them constantly and always asked their opinions. They were interviewed for the home study too and all very excited to get it started. Every one of our bios has their specific kid they want, but ultimately we’re open for whoever needs us. We’ve had kids from 2 months old to 15 years old. We’ve said yes to every kid they’ve offered us minus one (we knew him from respite and it was way too much for us to add on to our pile at the time. Nothing against him but his bios were over the top and we already were dealing with that with our other 2). We’ve had 6 permanent placements (they’re with us until they go to family or back with who they were taken from) and 13 (2 twice) respite (we have them for up to 2 weeks to give their foster family a break). We can have up to 8 kids total right now. Every one of those kids has a permanent place in our hearts and even the kids we said yes to but don’t get are in our hearts as well. The stories will haunt you forever. One thing I read that really stuck out was someone who said something like “people say they could never do foster care because it’d hurt too bad to give them back. So does that make me heartless?” It stuck with me. You have to have a huge heart to do this and it is definitely not for everyone. You do get attached and if you don’t, you’re not doing your job. You love these kids like your own but you’re constantly reminded that they aren’t yours and you have no say in what happens. Foster parents are held to an extremely higher standard then the bio parents and it’s hard. It’s hard not to compare or feel like everything you do is pointless if they’re just going back. It’s hard not to feel like an awful mom when the bios are constantly saying how awful you are.  It feels like a bad joint custody or giving your kids to an awful babysitter. Sometimes it is easy and you do want the bios to win. Sometimes it’s hard when they do win because nothing has changed. It’s hard to see the kids you’ve loved for so long go back to the crazy. It’s hard to see their future and it not look good. Sometimes your heart feels at peace with the outcome and sometimes you cry in the shower because you have no control. No matter what, I cry every time one of my kids leave and a piece of my heart goes with them. I do this for the kids. In no way is this for me. I’ve wanted to quit so many times and have told Zach we need to put in our notice, but month by month keeps going by. We’re at a year and a half as licensed foster parents and as hard as it can be, I won’t quit. I can’t quit. Each story and each kid needs someone to know they’re worth it and if we can help just 1 kid, it’s all worth it. ❤️

A Laugh

Normally when a kid laughs it's a good thing. Who thinks of a child's laughter as bad?? When Matteo was maybe 3 years old he started to do this weird laugh. He couldn't control it and you could see the fear in his eyes. I was the only one who noticed it for a long time. I finally convinced Zach we should take him to a doctor and the pediatrician said it was "just a phase". That his child did the same thing and Matteo would grow out of it. He did say it was like a tic and we could come back in a few months if it didn't go away. However, the doctor was convinced it'd go away. It did come and go for a while. He'd have episodes for a few weeks, we'd set up an appointment, and then they'd stop by the time we got in. So frustrating. We finally got a referral to a children's hospital in Utah. They couldn't find anything and continued with the tic theory. Zach was finally noticing it and so were people he'd be around. It got so bad we'd have to warn people who'd care for him. No one took it seriously. It was just a laugh. Every time it would stop and come back it would add on symptoms. The side of his face would go numb, he'd bounce all over the place, he could control the volume in the beginning but it got were he couldn't control it, he'd wet the bed (only when he was having them at night), they'd be mostly during the night but sometimes during the day..etc. I still have a hard time sleeping. It was so scary knowing how often he'd have them at night. He'd have them up to at least 17 times a day on a bad day. You don't really get how bad it is to be "that mom" until it happens in public. People just thought he was super excited and really loud. He's had a ton of EEGs and an MRI. Most of the times they wouldn't find anything. When we moved here they FINALLY saw it. His doctor in Alabama actually had to catch him from falling off the table during an episode. We had been told the whole time that it was definitely not seizures until we saw this doctor. He did a lot of tests and finally diagnosed him with abnormal seizures with physical and vocal tics. Normally tics don't happen at night and that was really throwing them off since most of his episodes were at night. Turns out it was all together. They're still running tests to diagnose which spot the seizures are actually in and the journey is far from over. However, it is sooooo nice to finally be validated. It's been a long journey just trying to get someone to take it seriously. We had doctors tell us to YELL at Matteo to snap him out of it. We had doctors tell us we were too strict and that's why it happened. We had people tell us to ignore it. Zach said Matteo was faking it. Do you know how good it felt to have someone FINALLY tell me that I wasn't crazy and that something was wrong?? Granted, hearing something is wrong with your child SUCKS, but I just wanted him to get help. I wanted him to be heard and right now, I'm his voice. Matteo and I have always had a crazy close bond. Watching him go through all this has killed me. Knowing that his brain could be permanently damaged from all the seizures the DOCTORS blew off, kills me. Matteo is one of the sweetest kids you'll meet. He's on 10 pills a day now and it's still rising. He still has several more tests they want to do and he's currently doing a 5 day stay at the hospital for a prolonged EEG. The hardest part is I can't always be there. We don't live near family and I do still have 3 other kids (all in school) that I need to take care of. A lot of the time Zach will take him and it breaks my heart the whole time he's gone. His doctor is over an hour away and his EEG is over 5 hours away. I feel like such a shitty mom for not being with him. I go as often as I can, but like this trip, it's easier if Zach goes. Trusting doctors or anyone with him is really hard too since so many people blew him off. Even close friends. I get it though. It was hard to see. Even in the videos it just looks like he's laughing. If you look closer though, you can see his eyes are far from happy. I never considered myself a special needs mom. I still refuse to. Matteo is just Matteo and we'll help him the best we can. I will continue to fight for him and all of my other children. I never thought a laugh could hold so much power. I never thought a laugh could break my world. Trust your mama instincts. We know our kids and what is or isn't normal for them. We are their voice. I've never been a fighter, but you better bet Mama Bear will come through when needed. Hugs to all you mamas going through this yourself. It's exhausting in every sense, but these kids are oh, so, worth it. <3

  

Adoption

I talk about being adopted a lot. One way I "cope" or handle things is to talk it out. My poor husband. ;) I overthink a lot and yep, just talk it out. Anyway, I'm watching Reunited and it brings up a lot of issues. It's a whole different world to be adopted and there are so many sides. You have the birth parent (s), adoptive parents, adoptee, and siblings/family all around. Adopted kids handle it all differently too. I'm very emotional and sentimental. I've always known I was adopted and I've always wanted to meet my birth parents. My sister was different and didn't want to meet her birth parents. Our adoptive parents were enough. I love my adoptive parents. They gave an orphan a home and loved a child who wasn't biologically theirs as their own. Even though I was born and went directly to my adoptive family, I would have been parentless if they didn't stand up. They chose me. The thought of being "given away" is tough to deal with. It has nothing to do with my adoptive family, but it's definitely still an issue. I still have major abandonment issues. I feel like I'm never good enough and it's a constant battle in my head. Growing up it really hurt that my birth mom chose not to adopt my sister out who was born really close to me. Why keep her and not me? I didn't really get to have a relationship with my birth sister before she passed away and it is pretty upsetting. It's all just a lot of emotions. Getting into the birth dad thing is even harder. He doesn't know I exist. I keep going back and forth on if I should find him or not. Am I worth knowing? Would it just be another disappointment and I'd be rejected? Does he have a family and I'd mess it up? If I was him, would I want to know? I really think he deserves the option to chose to know or not know, but u don't know if my heart can take it. I'm so tired of being a mut and not having a history. It would be nice to have more of a back story. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it is very emotional too. I'd love to get a dna kit and see where it goes.

Becoming Me Again

As I’ve gotten older, one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with is losing my identity. It’s so easy as a wife, mom, military spouse, and friend to forget who you are. It’s natural to conform to your surroundings. As a kid, you think you’ve got it all figured out. Once we start becoming interested in the opposite sex our view changes. It’s so easy to say you’ll always be yourself, but can anyone honestly say they haven’t done something to please someone else?

It’s easy to change your world for the guy who you swear will be “the one”. Or changing your views to fit in and be like the other girls. One of my favorite movies is “Runaway Bride”. LOVE that movie! One of the biggest points in it is how she’ll change the way she likes her eggs cooked  depending on how her boyfriend at the time likes them. She gets so used to doing whatever he likes, that she doesn’t even know what she likes anymore. It seems to be easier for us girls to fall into that category. Most of us are people pleasers. Whether it’s for a guy, mother in law, friend, whoever.  I see it a lot in my friends and in myself. He doesn’t like a dress you love, so you don’t wear it. He makes a comment about how you look pretty with make-up on, so you take that as he doesn’t like you without makeup. He likes skinny girls so you become obsessed with health. Etc, etc.

Once you become married it becomes harder. You’re no longer “Ashley”, but “Griffin’s Wife”. You have more expectations to live up to. You want to show up the other wives and be the “good wife”. You stress like crazy when the house isn’t perfect and dinner isn’t on the table when he gets home. You wear what he likes and live off the complements. Then you become a mom. Now you’re “Griffin’s wife” or “Jaidyn/Ryker/Matteo/Skylar’s mom”. Your world revolves around catering to them and being “mom of the year”. Or at least attempting not to fail them and making them regret their childhood. You do playdates, sport activities, birthdays, and become a taxi cab driver in the white van. You are constantly making sure everyone is happy and homework is done on time. Laundry is never ending and you’re constantly taking care of someone. You make sure that everyone gets at least a few minutes of one on one time so no one feels neglected. You’re judged for having a big family and constantly trying to just be a good mom. Even a decent mom would suffice. Your friends kind of get pushed to the side and you feel like a failure. You have to stay on top of it all! You drink that 3^rd cup of coffee and just try to survive. You forget to take care of yourself and your world comes crashing down. 

I’m so tired of not having a voice. I’m tired of trying so hard, that I’m on the verge of breaking.  I will ALWAYS be the type of person who is constantly trying to be better, but I want to find myself again too. I want my own identity instead of just the one that is constantly living for others. Otherwise, when everyone is gone, where will I be? Will I even know what to do with myself? What do I like? You know, I really miss writing. I have a lot to say and most of my words are all over the place, but I love writing. I used to write books. Did you know that? I miss it. I miss coming up with stories and being creative. I miss having the time to write. I also miss singing. A LOT! Singing used to be my life. I’ve actually recorded a few songs, but am terrified of sharing them. Someone will always be better. If I’m ever having a bad day, you can bet your butt that I’ll be blasting my music in the kitchen and jamming out. My kids even go for the radio when we’re cleaning or if I’m in a bad mood. 

I will always be a mom and I absolutely LOVE it. I love the chaos. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a life. I’m so tired. So, so tired. I’m becoming depressed and my anxiety is through the roof. I’ve lost me and I need to find her again. I’m important too. I matter. It’s so weird to say that. I don’t know if I actually believe it.

 

One of the other things I’ve realized is that I put so much effort into my kids and friends that my marriage comes last. I know I need to change that. Being married is hard. Like REALLY hard. Watching unrealistic, lovey dovey, dramas hasn’t helped my perception of what marriage is either. Shouldn’t it be easy? Shouldn’t he just kiss your feet every day that he comes home? Ok, I about died there. Lol It gets tiring fighting for something like that too. What does a perfect marriage look like anyway? Does it even exist? I’ve followed Zach around the world for the past 10 years. We’ve gone through sooooo much shit (not a better word for it, sorry). How we’ve survived the last 10 years is a miracle. We had everything going against us. If we don’t work out, I can wholeheartedly say we tried. We’re still trying though and that’s what matters I guess.

I warned you that I’m all over the place. ;) I really want to try to get into blogging again, but I’m a work in progress (aren’t we all?!).